


i think i might've inhaled you

by ariquitecontrary



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Buck, Requited Unrequited Love, just two idiots in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2021-01-03 23:43:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21187970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariquitecontrary/pseuds/ariquitecontrary
Summary: How do you tell your best friend that you're actually in love with them? If you're Evan Buckley, you don't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo this was originally supposed to be a one shot, but it got SO LONG. So now I've decided to cut it into two parts. :) I hope it's okay! 
> 
> No beta so if there are any mistakes, I AM SORRY. 
> 
> Title is from Bloodstream by Stateless.

Evan Buckley isn’t a slow learner. Of course, if you ask anyone else, they might hum and make a face before saying _‘Well…’_ but he isn’t, he’s really not. Sometimes it takes him a few seconds to grasp things. Sometimes he needs to be told twice. Sometimes he’s all trial and error, but he’s not a slow learner. Usually.

When Buck first laid eyes on Eddie Diaz, tugging on a shirt and being a goddamn nuisance with _that_ body, Buck had known right away. Well, he’d known that he felt something for him at least. What that something was? He couldn’t tell you. He’d been annoyed, he thinks. He kept trying to pick fights with him and show him up. He wasn’t playing nice at all and according to Hen, that wasn’t really in character for him. He hadn’t given it much thought at the time. Sure, he usually got along with everyone, but Eddie Diaz wasn’t everyone. He was something else; _something more_ his subconscious whispers. All he knew was that he wanted Eddie’s attention, needed it, to show him that he was better than him. 

_“You idiot,” Maddie laughs as he finishes complaining to her for the hundredth time. “Are you sure that’s why you’re doing it?” _

_“Uh, yeah. Why else would I?” _

_“Evan, you have a crush on him. Obviously.” _

It hadn’t exactly been obvious to him, because he’d spit his beer out all over Maddie’s new rug. His heart had been pounding against his chest and he’d been close to passing out. There’s no way he could like Eddie, no freaking way. The guy was… 

And then it hit him. He tried to think of a single bad thing to say about Eddie, but he couldn’t. There wasn’t one. Eddie was kind and gentle even when Buck was an asshole. He was patient and never raised his voice when Buck started to get aggravated over something. He always talked Buck down when he started to get anxious or upset during work, even if he was the one Buck was snapping at. 

Buck constantly does stupid shit to make sure Eddie’s attention is on him and he’d been telling himself it was because he was trying to show Eddie how good he was, and maybe that’s true, but now he’s realizing that it wasn’t for the reason he thought. He wasn’t trying to show how much better he was than him; he was trying to show Eddie that he was just _good_. 

He spent that night wallowing in his own stupidity, not for the first or last time. 

Things got inherently better after that. He had apologized to Eddie, who just smiled at him and placed a hand on his shoulder before telling him that he never took any of it to heart. Buck doesn’t think he’d forgive himself so easily, but he wasn’t about to try and talk Eddie out of it. 

After that day, Buck and Eddie became _BuckandEddie_. You can't have one without the other, at least that’s what everyone at the 118 said, but Buck didn’t care. The teasing didn’t bother him and it never seemed to bother Eddie either, although he thinks they have different reasonings behind it. 

He thinks its a little flattering and sweet when Hen and Chimney make kissy faces at them and ask when the wedding is. He thinks it’s cute when he and Eddie are having a little argument and Bobby will joke about a lover’s quarrel. He finds it nearly intoxicating when Eddie will wrap his arm around Buck’s shoulder and say something like _‘Husband really ticked me off this morning.’_ And the thing is, Buck knows he’s just joking. He’s fully aware of the fact that Eddie is straight and has no interest in him whatsoever, but that doesn’t stop him from thinking about all the What If’s? 

What if Eddie did like him back? What if Eddie knew about the real feelings Buck had for him? What if Buck just manned up one day and told his best friend how he really felt? What if, what if, what if? 

But he tries not to dwell on those for too long. He knows that Eddie just goes along with everything because it’s funny to him and that’s fine. Over the two years that Buck has known him, he’s learned to make peace with the fact that this attraction will forever remain one-sided; or he’s trying to make peace with that at least. 

It’s kind of hard when he’s currently living with the guy. 

It wasn’t supposed to be anything serious, not at first. Buck had been in between moving places after he accepted his break up with his last ex, but he was having trouble finding a place that he really loved. Maddie had offered him her air mattress like the saint she is, but then Eddie had dived in and offered him the guest room in his place. He’d said that it was to pay Buck back for all he had done for him, which Buck didn’t even look at it that way, but he’d been sold as soon as Eddie had told him that he knew Christopher would love having him around. Eddie didn’t play fair at all. 

So the days turned into weeks and then months and one day when Buck brought up how this new place that he liked was vacant now, Eddie had given him a sheepish smile and said: _‘Well, you know, there’s really no rush. We love having you here.’_ Buck hadn’t thought he’d been rushing; if anything he thought he’d been stalling. He’d been living there for six months already, but he could read between the lines. He knew that Eddie wanted him to stay. It wasn’t until his ninth month living with him, when he realized that Eddie wanted this to stay as permanent as possible. They’d been doing this family thing together at Bobby and Athena’s and when it started to get late, Eddie had wrapped an arm around Buck and asked if he was ready to go home, which resulted in Hen and Chimney making a bunch of cooing noises and asking the “happy couple” if they were going to go off and cuddle for the night. Eddie had rolled his eyes while Buck turned bright red. 

_‘We live together, guys.’ _

_‘Still?’_ Chimney had asked, even though he knew damn well they did._ ‘Aren’t you tired of Buck yet?’ _

_‘Nope. In fact, I’d want him to live there forever.’ _

And fuck if that hadn’t sent a jolt of electricity up Buck’s spine because, the thing is, he’s pretty sure he’s been in love with Eddie since before he ever moved into his place. He doesn’t even know when or how it happened. Maybe the attraction had always been there from the moment he saw him shirtless at the fire station, but he’s not sure when this overwhelming feeling of love decided to make itself known; when the annoyance he thought he’d been feeling finally faded away. Maybe it had been when Eddie first introduced him to Christopher. _You’re the first person here that’s met him,_ Eddie had told him as they watched Chris navigate through the playground. Maybe it had been when Eddie invited him to a family dinner or when he made Buck Christopher’s emergency contact at the school. Maybe it had been when Eddie accidentally dropped hot sauce on the floor of Buck’s car, looking at him in horror before bursting out into laughter. Maybe it had been when they stayed up until three in the morning, talking about their lives and laying their souls bare in front of each other. Or maybe he was doomed to fall in love with Eddie Diaz the moment that he smiled at him. 

Either way, here he is now; in love with his best friend who doesn’t love him back, at least not like that. Like he said, he’s made peace with it. Kind of. 

It’s hard to forget about loving Eddie Diaz when you see him every single day. 

“You want more?” Eddie asks his son. He, Buck, and Christopher are currently all having breakfast together in the kitchen. Buck had made pancakes and bacon for them; making a little smiley face on Christopher’s which had resulted in the biggest freaking smile he’d ever seen on the little boy’s face. He’d scarfed it all down before Eddie had even sat down at the table. They have about twenty minutes before they need to be out of the door if they want to make it to work on time after dropping Chris off at school. It’s a rare day where all of their schedules line up and they can spend the morning together. It’s one of Buck’s favorite moments. 

“No,” Christopher says. “It was really good, though. Thank you, Buck.” 

Buck smiles and reaches out to fluff Christopher’s hair up, which causes the boy to grin and wiggle away from him. 

It’s so domestic, them sitting together and eating breakfast. They feel like a family and if Buck doesn’t think about the reality of it, he can imagine that they _are_ a family. It’s a nice idea; one that he locks away in the back of his mind for safekeeping. 

“You two about ready?” Eddie asks as he stands up to grab all of their empty plates. 

“Yep,” Buck says as he and Christopher get up from the table. “Got your backpack, little man?” Chris nods and walks over to the couch where it’s laying. “And your homework?” 

“Yes, Buck.” The sheepish smile doesn’t leave his face. 

“And you did it all?” 

“I had trouble with the last math question. Can you help me please?” 

“Of course I can. What is it?” 

Chris pulls it out of his backpack and Eddie laughs in the background from where he’s washing off their dishes.

“Bud, Buck is the worst person to ask. He doesn’t know math.” 

“Hey!” Buck says, offended. “I know _ his_ math. It’s the high school shit that throws me off.” 

“Oooh,” Chris teases. “That was a bad word.” 

“Yeah, Buck! That’s a bad word.” 

He gives Eddie a bemused look before looking over to Chris. 

“Sorry. I meant to say that the high school stuff throws me off. So what’s the problem?” 

Sure enough, it’s an equation that Buck actually _can _solve. Thank God, because he would have hated to tell Christopher that he couldn’t help him. 

He walks him through it pretty quickly and Christopher “ooh’s” and “ah’s” in understanding as Buck explains it all to him. 

“Make sense?” He asks when they’ve solved it. 

“Yes! I get it now. Thank you.” 

“Anytime, bud. Or well, maybe not anytime. When you get to high school, you’re probably gonna wanna ask your dad for help with math.” 

Christopher laughs as he puts the sheet of paper back into his neatly packed backpack. Buck turns back around and is it met with the sight of Eddie leaning against the entryway to the living room. His arms are crossed against his chest and he’s smiling softly at the two of them. The look is something so beautiful, so genuine, that Buck has to remind himself to breathe. 

“What?” He says quietly. 

Eddie just shakes his head. “It’s a nice sight, the two of you.” 

And God. The things that could mean. Another What If? pops into his mind. What if he walked over to Eddie right now and wrapped his arms around his shoulders? What if he brought their foreheads together and told him that he never wanted to leave? What if he said he wanted to stay like this forever? 

Eddie clears his throat. “We should go before we’re late again.”

“Right,” Buck says softly. What if he finally just got over his feelings for Eddie? What if he learned that there was no way in hell he could ever have the other man the way he wanted? 

.

.

.

“Chug, chug, chug!” Chimney chants as Buck downs the rest of his drink. Everyone is laughing and cheering despite the fact that he had little left inside of the glass to begin with. 

“God, what is this? A frat party?” He asks as he places his glass back on the table.

“No, but it is a celebration! We saved that girl’s life today, man. It’s something to be happy about.” 

Buck smiles. The best part about this job is being able to save people. He knows that it’ll never get old to him; that he’ll never want to do anything else in his life. It’s definitely something to celebrate. 

“Well, you better slow down,” Maddie says to him. “You’re a lightweight and you know it.” 

“Oh, God. Remember that one time he made a random toast to Hen and Karen during dinner?” Everyone laughs at the memory and Buck’s face turns completely red at the reminder of that night. 

Eddie, seeing his best friend’s embarrassment, reaches out and tugs Buck close to him, pressing their bodies against each other’s. 

“Aw, come on,” he says, “that speech was sweet.” 

“It was,” Hen agrees, “when we were finally able to figure out what the hell he was even saying.” 

“That’s the last time I ever try to do something nice!” Everyone keeps on laughing and he just huffs. He knows when he’s not going to win something. It helps that Eddie still has an arm wrapped around his waist. He’s always been able to keep him calm and happy. “Eddie, let's go home,” he pouts. 

“Ooooh,” Hen and Chim say in unison. Honestly those two together are a nightmare sometimes. Buck loves them to death, but _they_ love to pick on him. “The husbands are scheming.” 

“We aren’t husbands.” 

“We aren’t scheming.”

“The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks,” Chimney says to Buck. 

“Dude, I know you don’t read Shakespere.” He tries not to think about how Eddie had protested against the scheming part, but not the husband part, but then he forces himself to get his mind out of the gutter. He only did that because well, _obviously_ they aren’t husbands. That isn’t something he needs to clarify. 

“We also aren’t leaving,” Eddie says with an eyeroll and pinches Buck’s side whenever he starts to whine. “Behave.” 

“Ooooh,” Chimney starts but stops whenever Maddie elbows him in the side gently. “Okay, okay,” he laughs. “You know we’re just messing with ya.” 

“Be nice,” Athena says, as she walks back up to their table with Bobby, food in their hands. 

And Buck, because he’s a mature adult and definitely _not_ drunk, sticks his tongue out at his friend when Athena and Bobby turn to say something to Hen. 

He knows they’re just joking and honestly, he doesn’t mind it at all. Sometimes it’s even nice to pretend that maybe they are something more; it’s nice to pretend that Eddie doesn’t deny the things they say because he wants what Buck wants too. He doesn’t let himself pretend for too long, though. 

“I’m gonna go get us another round,” Eddie announces and everyone cheers. It’s nice to be able to let loose like this and just have fun. It’s not often that they do. It’s especially not often that Buck and Eddie do, considering that they have Christopher to watch, but Eddie’s abuela had gladly taken him for the weekend. But as much fun as he’s having, he misses the little boy. 

He’d never been a huge kid person before he met Christopher. Sure, he liked kids and thought they were adorable and super funny, but he didn’t dream about having his own or anything like that. Now though, all he thinks about is having a family, or well, he thinks about being a part of Eddie’s family. And if you asked Eddie, he would say, without hesitation, that Buck _is_ part of their family, and it’s enough, really it is, but sometimes Buck wants _more_. 

Sometimes he wonders what it would be like to lay in bed with Eddie after a long, hard day of work. He wonders what it would be like to hold his hand while they were out at the park with Christopher. He wonders what Eddie’s lips would feel like against his; how his body would fit against Buck’s. He wonders what it would be like to be Christopher’s _other_ dad; what it would be like to maybe adopt a child with Eddie one day. Christopher always talks about how cool it would be to have a little brother or sister. 

It’s all wishful thinking. 

“You okay?” Maddie asks him quietly. No one else is paying attention to them, so he doesn’t have to lie, but he nods anyway. It’s not like it’s exactly a lie. He _is_ okay. He’s just getting lost in all of his thoughts again. “I can tell Chimney to back off if you want, Evan.” 

“No,” he says quickly. “That’ll just look suspicious. It’s fine, Maddie, really. It’s not the teasing.” 

“Then what is it?” 

He opens his mouth to answer, but then Chimney is letting out a low whistle. Buck and Maddie turn their attention towards him, but he’s looking over at the bar where Eddie currently is. 

“Well, Bucko, looks like you have some competition.” 

It’s a joke that has everyone laughing, but Buck is trying not to fucking fall to the floor. 

There’s a tall blonde standing next to Eddie. Her entire body is facing towards him and he’s leaning into her a little, probably because the music in here is so fucking loud that he can’t hear her. Buck wants to tell the DJ to turn it down if it means it’ll get Eddie away from her. 

He can only see her side profile from here, but she looks gorgeous either way, the exact type of girl that Eddie should be with. They’re both smiling and after a few seconds, Eddie throws his head back and laughs at something the girl says. Buck feels like he can’t breathe. 

“Evan,” Maddie whispers as she reaches out to touch his hand, “blink. You’re being really obvious right now.” 

He blinks and looks at his sister in gratitude. Maddie’s the only one who knows his true feelings for Eddie and she also knows that he doesn’t want anyone else to know. He’s more than sure that he would have slipped up by now if it weren’t for her. 

“Would you stop staring?” Athena scoffs at all of them. “You act like you’ve never seen the man talk to a girl before.” 

“We haven’t,” Chimney says. “He’s usually always hanging off of that one over there.” He motions to where Buck is standing and Maddie grimaces. 

“You okay, Buck?” Bobby asks, because he’s always been able to tell when something is wrong with him. Buck’s never lied to him before and he hates that he’s about to right now. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I think that the drinks are getting to me, though. Lightweight and all that. I’m gonna get some air.” Bobby looks at him in curiosity but Buck is already turning around to leave. 

“I’ll go with you!” Maddie says and reaches for her bag, but he stops her. 

“No, I’m okay. I just need to sober up.” He needs to remember that it’s his own damn fault for letting himself sit here in this fantasy that only _he_ was living. “Stay here. I’ll be back in a minute.” 

Maddie looks troubled and he knows that she wants to follow him, but she stays and he’s thankful. He really doesn’t think that he can handle talking to anyone right now, least of all the person that actually does know how he really feels about all of this. He’ll breakdown and that’s the last thing he wants right now. 

What he wants is to get over his stupid fucking feelings for Eddie. He wants to go back to before he had ever moved in with him and say no. He wants to be able to watch his best friend flirt with a girl and be happy for him. He wants to be able to move on. 

He wants Eddie to love him the way that Buck loves him. He wants Eddie to come out here and wrap his arms around him and tell him there’s no one else in the world for him. He wants Eddie to be his. 

He wants to stop feeling like this. 

It’s cold outside and he didn’t bring his jacket, but it doesn’t matter. His entire body feels like it’s on fire as he leans against the brick wall of the building and tries to learn how to breathe again.

He should have seen this coming. Did he really think that he and Eddie would just live together forever? Did he really think that Eddie would stay single for the rest of his life? Did he really think that he would be enough for him? Apparently he did, because this was hitting him a lot harder than it should have. 

“Fuck,” he whispers to himself and presses the palms of his hands to his eyes. There’s no fucking way he is going to cry right now, no fucking way. He doesn’t have anything to cry over. It’s not like Eddie betrayed him or something like that. It’s not like he cheated on him. Eddie was never his to begin with and he can do whatever he wants. Buck’s just going to have to get used to that. 

He startles when a hand is placed on his shoulder. He doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is. He’d know that touch in a dark room surrounded by strangers. 

“You feeling okay?” Eddie’s voice rings out. Buck has to close his eyes tightly and count to five before he can look at his best friend. 

“Yeah,” he says but even he can tell that it sounds like a lie. Eddie frowns, like he doesn’t believe him either, but Buck knows that he won’t push him on the matter. “I guess everyone was right about the whole lightweight thing.” Eddie’s lips twitch into an almost smile. “You can go back inside, Eddie. I’m okay, really. Don’t worry about me.” 

“I always worry about you.” And he looks so sincere that Buck knows he means it, which just makes him feel even worse if he’s being honest. He knows that Eddie worries about him, but he wishes he wouldn’t. It just makes it so much harder for him to try to get over the other man. 

“You don’t need to,” Buck says and smiles softly. And then, because apparently he loves to hurt himself, “So we saw you talking to that girl at the bar. She was cute.” 

Eddie tilts his head and his hand falls from Buck’s shoulder. “Yeah, she was. She gave me her number.” 

Buck swallows. “Oh. That’s good, man. You should get back out there.” 

Eddie hums but doesn’t say anything. He has this weird look on his face that Buck can’t really decipher. 

“Let's go back inside,” he says after a few seconds. “It’s cold out here and you’re shivering.” 

Buck follows him, but doesn’t say that the shivering isn’t from the cold. 

.

.

.

It’s been four days since the night out at the bar and everything is more or less still the same. No one’s really mentioned the girl from the bar and Buck doesn’t know whether or not to be happy about that, so he just tries to ignore it completely. 

He’s currently watching Spider-Man with Christopher while Eddie is at the gym. 

“If you could have one superpower, what would you want?” He asks Buck as Spider-Man and the Green Goblin are fighting. “I would want to fly.” 

“Flying’s pretty cool,” Buck agrees. “I think it’d be fun to be invisible.” 

“But then I couldn’t see you.” 

Buck laughs. “Don’t worry, bud. I wouldn’t hide from you.” 

“I wouldn’t fly away from you,” Christopher says with a smile as he leans against Buck. 

It’s incredible how sitting here with Christopher doing absolutely nothing is somehow his favorite thing to do. Nothing makes him as happy and at ease than this. The only thing that could make it even better is if Eddie was here with them. 

“Buck?” 

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to stay here forever?” 

The question takes him so off guard and he stiffens a little bit. 

“What do you mean?” 

“With me and dad. Are you going to leave us?” 

He gulps. Truth is, ever since Eddie had insinuated that he didn’t want Buck to leave, he’d kind of stopped thinking about other options. He’d stopped looking at other places and seeing realtors. Lately though, he’s been wondering if that was the best choice for him. 

He doesn’t want to leave, not really, but he knows that staying here is only making things worse. Seeing Eddie everyday, eating breakfast and dinner with him and his son, doing mundane things like washing the dishes and laundry together? All it’s doing is making him fall more and more in love with him. He’s so unbelievably happy here with Eddie and Christopher, but he’s so sad at the same time, because it’s not enough to have them both but to know that he’ll never _have_ them. 

“I’m not going anywhere right now,” he says, because he doesn’t want to lie to Christopher. Thankfully, the answer seems to satisfy him because he just nods happily before returning his attention to the movie in front of them. 

An hour later, Eddie’s home. He’s brought dinner too and the three of them stuff their bellies with Chinese food until they’re all groaning from how full they are. Christopher goes to his room to finish up some last minute homework before bed and Buck and Eddie are watching a game on TV. 

“So,” Eddie drags out, “Rachel called me.” Buck looks at him in confusion. “She’s the girl from the bar.” 

Oh. Right. Buck never asked her name because he didn’t care enough. He wanted to act like she didn’t exist because maybe if he did that, she would just go away. Obviously that wasn’t the best plan. 

“That’s cool. What’d she say?” 

“She wants to go get drinks this weekend. She’s really straightforward.” 

Buck just nods and keeps his eyes on the television screen. “You gonna go out with her?” 

There’s a pause. Silence. And Buck turns to look at Eddie, who’s already looking at him. He has the same facial expression from the other night on, the one that Buck couldn’t decipher and he still can’t right now. He squirms a little under the gaze. 

“I don’t know,” Eddie says finally. 

“Why wouldn’t you?” 

“I don’t know. Dating some random stranger isn’t really what I want right now.”

Buck raises an eyebrow. “Then who would you date? Everyone starts out as a stranger.” 

“Well, yeah, but—.” 

“You should go for it,” Buck says, cutting him off. “You should call her back and tell her yes.” Eddie looks a little taken aback, but Buck’s sure it’s nothing compared to how he feels right now. He hadn’t even really been expecting the words to come out of his mouth, but apparently his mouth has a mind of its own.   
“Really?” 

“Yeah,” he says with a shrug. “Why not?” _Why not?_ His mind yells at him. _Because you’re in love with him, that’s why not!_ Which is exactly why he needs Eddie to go on a date with her. He needs to know, needs to realize and understand, that he’ll never be the one going on dates with Eddie. Maybe he needs to see him with someone else to fully understand that; no matter how badly it hurts him. 

“Buck, I don’t think you—.” 

“I have to go,” he says suddenly. “I told Maddie I would stop by today and I don’t want to be late.” It’s a fucking lie. He hasn’t told Maddie anything, and it’s literally eight o’clock at night, but he needs to get the hell out of here. 

Eddie looks completely torn and he doesn’t understand why. 

“O-okay. Are you going to come back?” And fuck. He actually sounds a little worried, like he’s scared that Buck won’t come back. He wishes it were that fucking simple. 

“Yeah. Always.” 

He gets up from the couch and doesn’t look back. 

.

.

.

“You’re an idiot.” 

“Maddie, can you stop?” 

“Sure, I’ll stop. I’ll stop when _you_ stop being an idiot.” 

“I’m not an idiot!” 

“You’re not _not_ an idiot.” 

“Maddie!” 

His sister sighs and takes a seat next to him on her couch. His head is in his hands and she reaches out to rub his back in comfort. 

“Look, Buck, I love you to death, but I really, really think you’re being a bit ridiculous about this. And I think that you need to say something to Eddie.” 

He pulls his head out of his hands to turn and look at her. “You mean tell my straight best friend that I’m in love with him? No. That’s the last thing I need to do. I can’t lose him.” 

“You won’t lose him! In what world would Eddie ever let you leave his life? He loves you, Evan.” 

“As a friend!” He yells out in exasperation. “It could ruin everything, Maddie, and as much as it would kill me to lose him, it would hurt even more to lose Christopher. They’re… they’re my family. I can't do anything that will ruin that.” 

Maddie looks like she’s in turmoil, and he gets it. He can see her side of things, and maybe if it were just Eddie then he would confess his feelings, but it’s not just Eddie. It’s Christopher too. 

“So what? You just sit around and watch him be happy with someone else while your heartbreaks? How is that fair to you?” 

“It doesn’t matter. He deserves to be happy.” 

“So do you!” Now she’s shouting, which means he’s definitely upset her, because she never shouts. “Evan, you don’t have to tell Eddie how you really feel, but you need to do something about this or else you’re going to end up miserable. This isn’t going to end well for you.” 

He swallows and shuts his eyes. 

“I think I have to move out of his place,” he says softly. His eyes start to water at the admission and he sniffles before wiping away the tears. 

“Buck,” Maddie says like she’s in pain, “are you sure that’s going to make this any better?” 

“I don’t know, but I know that living there with him and seeing him everyday is just making things harder on me.” 

“Well, you always have a place here, okay?” 

“Okay.” He considers his next question. “Is it okay if I crash here tonight?” 

“Of course. I’ll go get the blow up mattress.” 

She gets up from the couch and he tries not to wonder if Eddie will miss him tonight. 

.

.

.

Maddie’s gone for work when he wakes up the next morning. She’s so quiet that he hadn’t even heard her leave; a stark difference from the Diaz household where Christopher’s laughter and Eddie’s horrible singing is enough to wake up the whole neighborhood. 

He gets up from the air mattress and wobbles to the kitchen to try and find his phone. The clock on the microwave reads 11:37 and he’s surprised that he’s slept this long. At least he doesn’t work today because that would be a nightmare trying to explain. 

He picks up his phone from where’s it’s still charging on the counter, next to a plate of pancakes and bacon that Maddie’s left for him. He smiles as he picks up a strip and then unlocks his phone. 

He’s met with 10 missed calls and 14 text messages from Eddie. His eyes widen in surprise as he reads through them. 

They start off simple. 

**9:13: Did you get to Maddie’s okay? Usually you text to let me know. **

**9:46: Can you get milk on the way home? Christopher wants pancakes in the morning. **

**10:56: Buck? Are you okay? **

And then get obviously panicked as the night went on. 

**11:58: Buck, seriously. Are you okay? **

**12:09: I swear to God, if you don’t answer my calls or texts, I’m calling 911. **

**1:24: Maddie just texted me to let me know you’re staying the night there. You could have just told me that instead of lying to my face. **

He winces and drops the bacon in his hand, suddenly not hungry anymore. The text about Christopher and the last one at 1:24 are the ones that have his stomach twisting in knots. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! 

He hadn’t meant to lie to Eddie, but last night he just didn’t feel like facing him again. Now he wishes he would have. He also wishes he would have kept his phone on him. He feels like the biggest asshole in the world. 

Had Eddie called Maddie to check up on him? He’d been fast asleep by that time and Eddie’s usually asleep by 11, so the fact that he’d been up worrying about him makes Buck feel even shittier. 

Fuck. He needs to get home_ now. _

Eddie’s truck is parked in the driveway when he gets home and Buck spends a few extra minutes in his vehicle. He doesn’t know what to do or say to him. He doesn’t know what to expect when he walks through that door. Is Eddie going to be mad at him? Probably. Eddie’s never been mad at him before and he doesn’t know how to handle that. 

With a sigh, he turns off his engine and gets out of the car. There’s no use stalling. Hell, maybe the anger will have worn off by now. Still though, Buck walks extra slow to the front of the house and takes his time pulling his keys out of his pocket. 

The house is quiet when he steps inside and for a moment he wonders if Eddie went for a walk or something. It’s never quiet here. As he steps further in though, he’s met with a different sight. 

Eddie’s standing near the kitchen sink and drinking what Buck assumes is water. He looks exhausted and when his eyes meet Buck’s, they harden into something that’s never been directed at him before. 

“Look who finally came home.” 

“Eddie, I—.” 

“Save it, Buck. I don’t care that you spend the night at Maddie’s. I care that you _lied to my face_. And then you didn’t even have the decency to tell me about your change of plans. I was worried sick about you! Did you stop to think that I would wonder what the hell happened to you?” 

The twisty feeling comes back. “I didn’t know I was going to! I guess I was more tired than I thought. I don’t understand why you’re so mad at me.”

“Because you should have told me, Buck!” 

And now Buck’s getting angry, because seriously, why is Eddie this pissed off? It’s not that big of a deal. 

“Jesus Christ,” he laughs humorlessly. “It’s not a big deal, Eddie! I don’t need to tell you where I am all the time. You’re not my fucking boyfriend.” 

As soon as they words tumble from his mouth, he knows they’re a mistake. 

The anger falls from Eddie’s face and he blinks once before looking at Buck with a blank expression; one that makes Buck feel like a real piece of shit. Fuck. Why can’t he do anything right? 

“Christopher missed you at breakfast,” he says stoically. “If this is going to be a regular thing, just let me know.” 

“Eddie—.” 

“I’m meeting Hen for lunch. I’ll see you later.” 

He’s gone before Buck can try to stop him. 

When Eddie comes back, it’s a little after two. Buck hasn’t done much except pace around the living room and check his watch every three minutes. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears the lock click. 

“Are you still mad at me?” He asks before Eddie’s even inside. He’s fully aware that he sounds like a child right now, but he can’t stand the thought of Eddie being mad at him. “Because I’m sorry. You’re right and I should have called. I just didn’t think.” 

“It’s fine,” Eddie says, but his voice sounds off. “You don’t owe me anything.” 

“Eddie,” he nearly whines. “I’m _sorry_.” He moves towards the other man and reaches out to grab ahold of his hand. Eddie looks surprised but only for a second. “Don’t be mad.” 

“You’re like a fucking puppy,” he snorts and Buck grins at the emotion that’s finally back in his voice. “I’m not mad at you, Buck. Just seriously, don’t scare me like that, okay?” 

“Yeah, of course! I’m really sorry about that. I’m sorry I missed breakfast too. Was Christopher really upset?” 

Eddie shrugs. “I think he’s just gotten really used to having you around, but I told him you were with Maddie and that seemed to make him feel better. You know he loves Maddie.” 

Buck nods. He loves how much Christopher and Maddie love each other. Sometimes it really does feel like they’re all one big happy family. 

Eddie seems ready to move on from the conversation because he smiles warmly at Buck. 

“Do you wanna go catch a movie or something? We have some time before Chris is home and I really don’t feel like staying inside today.” 

“Sure!” Buck says, maybe a little too excited. “But I’m picking the movie. Your taste sucks.” 

“You’re such a brat,” Eddie says as he shakes his head, but there’s a smile on his face. “Go put on some actual clothes.” 

And if Buck nearly slips in his socks trying to get to his room well, it’s just him and Eddie there. 

.

.

.

“That was terrible.” 

“It wasn’t that bad.” 

“No, you’re right. It was somehow worse.” 

Buck glares at Eddie even though he does have a point. The movie definitely hadn’t been his best pick, but it could have been a lot worse. Maybe. He doesn’t know. It honestly was kind of terrible, but he won’t be admitting that. 

“Shut up,” Buck laughs as he nudges Eddie with his shoulder playfully. Eddie reaches out and wraps an arm around Buck’s shoulders and bring him closer to him. The touch is so comforting and familiar that Buck wants nothing more than to just melt into it. “Is Carla picking Christopher up today?” 

Eddie nods. “Yeah, he was asking about her earlier. I think he’s sick of us.” 

“Sick of you maybe, but he could never get sick of me.” 

Eddie gives him an unimpressed look before shaking his head. 

“You’re a nightmare. Seriously. Why do I even put up with you?” 

“Because you love me.” 

It’s a joke that just falls off his tongue. It’s something he would say to anyone; to Maddie, Chimney, Hen, even Bobby. It’s a universal comeback to that kind of question and yet when he says it to Eddie, both of them pause for a split second.

Buck’s worried that he’s somehow messed up, so he clears his throat and says the first thing that comes to his mind. 

“Everyone loves me.” 

Eddie’s smile falters for a moment before he smiles gently at Buck. 

“How could I not?” He jokes. 

_How could you not?_ Buck’s mind echoes. Why can’t you love me the way that I love you? Is there any version of reality out there where you and I are together and in love and happy? Stupid questions with obvious answers. 

“Buck,” Eddie says, suddenly more serious. He stops them and pulls his arm off of Buck so that he can face him properly. He looks strangely determined and even a little nervous and Buck’s suddenly terrified. “I want to talk to you about something.” 

“Okay. What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong at all, or well, I hope it won’t be.” He lets out a breath of nervous laughter and runs a hand through his hair. “Look. I—.” 

A loud ringing interrupts him and he suddenly looks very annoyed. 

“Damn it,” he snaps out as he reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone. “Oh. It’s uh, it’s Rachel.” 

Buck’s entire body goes cold and he takes a step back from Eddie. Right. Rachel. The girl Eddie is probably going to go on a date with. 

“You should get that,” he says softly. Eddie looks torn for some reason and Buck smiles at him. “Get it, Eddie. It’s fine. I’ll still be here.” _I’ll always be here, waiting for something that I know will never happen. _

“Just give me one second,” he says before answering the call and walking away to get some privacy. 

Well, it looks like he took Buck’s advice about meeting up at least. Good. That’s what Buck had wanted. He wants Eddie to go out and date and have fun and fall in love again. Eddie’s always been such a family man, so it’s only right that he finds someone that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Will that person be Rachel? Who knows, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. 

He forces himself not to look at Eddie or listen to the words he’s saying, but he does wonder just what exactly his best friend _is_ saying. Luckily, or unluckily, he doesn’t have to wait for too long. 

“Sorry about that,” Eddie says and he’s frowning. Why is he frowning? 

“Don’t apologize, man.” Buck reaches out to punch him in the shoulder like a good natured friend would. “You two going out soon or what?” 

Eddie’s face contorts and it looks like he’s in pain. Buck’s about to ask him if he’s okay when he finally nods. 

“Yeah, on Friday. We’re gonna go get drinks.” 

It’s like a bucket of cold—no, _dry_ ice has been poured over him, burning his entire body and making him want to scream out in pain. It’s exactly what he had told Eddie to do and yet the fact that he actually did it makes him want to curl over in pain. 

But he smiles, way too wide and way too forced, and claps Eddie on the shoulder. 

“That’s great! You better take her somewhere nice.” 

“Buck, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” 

“Oh! Do you need me to watch Christopher?” He has to keep talking, keep faking happiness for Eddie, because if he doesn’t then he’s going to fall apart right here on the sidewalk for everyone to see. “Because you don’t even have to ask, since ya know, I live with you and everything.” 

“No, Buck—.” 

It dawns on Buck suddenly. _Oh. Right._ What do people usually do after a date that involves drinks? 

“Uh,” he laughs awkwardly. “If you need an empty house, we can always go to Maddie’s. She loves having Christopher over.” 

Eddie looks at him, completely dumbfounded, probably at the fact that Buck is willing to do all of this for him. He’s nothing if not a great friend, even when it’s actually breaking his heart in two. 

Eddie tilts his head a little then shakes it with a sigh. “That’s okay, Buck. I’m not gonna bring her home.” 

“No? Why not?” 

“Because that’s our home,” he says simply, like Buck should have already known that. Buck just stands there, absolutely floored, and blinks twice like he can’t believe the words that Eddie just said and well, he _can’t_. Despite the fact that he’s been living with him for nearly a year, Buck’s always thought of it as Eddie’s house. The fact that Eddie considers it _theirs_ has his heart beating wildly against his chest. “I would never bring some random girl there for sex. Not with Christopher there and definitely not with you there.” 

“But we could leave,” he repeats although now he doesn’t sound so sure. 

“No, Buck. You’re not listening to me. I’m not taking someone back to _our home_.” Eddie’s eyes are boring into his and Buck feels like his entire world just got hit off it’s rotation. What the hell does any of this even mean? 

“Okay,” he says quietly. 

“Okay.” 

They stand there for a few seconds just looking at each other. They probably look crazy to anyone who passes by them, but they can’t find it in themselves to move. It feels like something just happened, something big, but Buck doesn’t know exactly what that is yet. 

And he refuses to let his thoughts run wild again. 

.

.

.

Friday comes faster than he would have liked. 

He’s been in a mood all day long and everyone’s starting to get really sick of his shit. Bobby’s gotten on him at least twice for talking back. Chimney is actively avoiding him and Hen’s about five seconds away from punching him. 

And the worst part is that he knows he’s being an insufferable jerk today, he’s fully freaking aware of that, but he can’t stop. All he can think about is Eddie, who is currently at home and probably getting ready for his stupid date that Buck has stupidly pushed him into going on. He wishes he could go back and fight his past self. Was this really supposed to help him move on? Because it’s not working _at all_. All he’s done today is sit around and think about Eddie and Rachel laughing together and dancing and fucking _kissing_. That last one has him seething with anger. The funny thing is, he’s never really pictured himself as a jealous guy. In fact, he hardly ever gets jealous, but when it comes to Eddie, the idea of him even holding hands with someone who isn’t him has Buck seeing red. He hates this. 

By the time six rolls around, he’s ready to get the hell out of here. He goes to the locker room and quickly gets ready to leave. He doesn’t know why he’s rushing, but for some reason he wants to get home to Eddie already. Maybe he’s just some kind of masochist who enjoys hurting himself. 

Why does he have to be like this? Why did he have to fall for his best friend? Why couldn’t he just love someone else, _anyone_ else? What did he do in a past life to deserve this? He wishes that he could turn off his emotions and stop feeling like this. Well, that’s not exactly true. 

Loving Eddie isn’t something he regrets. Loving Eddie is so easy, it’s so blissful and he’ll gladly spend the rest of his life loving him. It’s the pain that comes from loving him, from knowing that it’ll only ever be one sided that hurts, that he wishes he could stop feeling. 

He throws his helmet into the locker forcefully and a loud bang echoes around him at the impact. He’s breathing hard and heavy and he just wants to scream. 

A soft, timid knock breaks him out of his fit. 

He turns around to see Bobby standing at the entryway with a concerned frown on his face. 

“What’s going on, kid?” 

“Nothing,” he snaps. 

“Buck.” Buck ignores him and focuses instead on packing his shit up quickly. “Buck, look at me.” 

He closes his eyes tightly, because fuck, he can feel the tears that are pooling up in them now. He doesn’t understand why he’s crying. Nothing has even happened yet. 

“What’s wrong?” Bobby asks again and Buck can hear his footsteps getting closer. 

“It’s nothing,” he says, voice softer now. “It’s just been a bad week, I guess.” 

“You want to talk about it?” 

He does. He really, _really_ does, but he doesn’t want to put Bobby in an awkward position, so he just shakes his head.

“No. It’s okay. I’m okay. Thank you, though. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole today.” 

“Yeah,” Bobby says, amused. “You’re lucky I like you. Just come back here tomorrow as the Buck we all know, okay?” 

“Yeah,” he agrees and smiles. It’s crazy how even the simplest of conversations with Bobby can manage to turn his mood around. It’s nice to know that the older man is always looking out for him. 

“And Buck? I want you to know that you can always talk to me, or any of us, okay? No matter what you’re going through. You’re family and there’s nothing you could do that would make any of us love you any less, okay?” 

He gulps and nods. He doesn’t trust himself to talk right now, but Bobby seems satisfied with that and gives him one last smile before walking away. 

The thing is, he’s never really told anyone here that he’s also into guys. It’s not like he’s ashamed or anything, it just never really came up and now with this whole Eddie mess, he feels like telling them is just going to make things really obvious. He wonders if Bobby can guess though. He’s always been really good at putting two and two together and usually Buck likes that, but he doesn’t know how he would feel about it now. 

He decides it’s better to just keep his feelings to himself. Not like it matters anymore anyway. 

.

.

.

To say that things are bad when Buck gets home is an understatement. 

The thing about Christopher Diaz is that he’s a really good kid, like crazily good. He’s mature beyond his years and very understanding and never really gets angry or acts out. 

Today he has obviously been body snatched. 

“Chris, buddy, I need to go,” Eddie says, looking like he’s on the verge of a breakdown. 

“No!” Chris says petulantly. “I don’t feel good so you can’t leave!” 

“You’re fine, Christopher.” Buck has never seen Eddie lose his cool around his son, but from the way that he runs his hand over his face in frustration, he’s worried that might change. He intervenes before it can get that far. 

“Christopher,” he says as he sits down on the edge of the boy’s bed, “what’s wrong? Let me try to help.” 

Chris’ anger seems to disappear from his face for a second before he frowns again. “I don’t feel good. I need you and dad to be here.” 

“Bud, your dad has plans tonight, okay? But I can help out, so what’s wrong? Does your head hurt? Stomach?” 

“All of it.” 

Buck looks at Eddie in worry. “Are you sure we shouldn’t take him to the doctor?” 

“No!” Chris says suddenly. “I don’t need a doctor. I just need you and dad!” 

Eddie sighs and throws his arms up as if to say ‘_see_’. “He’s not sick, Buck.” 

“I’m gonna talk to dad real quick,” Buck tells Christopher and ruffles his hair a little bit. “We’ll be back.” 

“Okay,” he says quietly. 

When Eddie and Buck are alone in the kitchen, Buck raises an eyebrow in question. 

“Care to explain what’s going on?” 

“I don’t think he wants me to go,” Eddie says. _Well, that makes two of us_. “I’ve never really dated anyone since Shannon and I don’t think he’s handling it well.” 

Oh. That actually makes a lot of sense. 

“Best way for him to get over that is for you to just do it. He’ll be upset for a while, but I can try to talk to him about it while you’re gone.” 

“I don’t know, Buck. Maybe I should just stay home.” 

“Why would you do that?”

Eddie looks so damn sad as he answers. “To be here with you.” 

God, Buck wishes he would stop saying things like that. All it does is make him feel like there’s hope for the two of them when he knows better. He wonders how Eddie can just stand there and say things like that like it’s nothing. 

“I don’t need you here with me,” he says, not unkindly. “I can take care of Christopher and you deserve to go out and have some fun, okay? I _want_ you to go out and have fun.” Lie. “I want you to meet a girl and fall in love and all that shit, Eddie.” Lie. “It’s what you deserve.” True. “I’ll be fine without you.” Lie. Lie. Lie. 

“Are you sure you want me to go out with her?” It’s a really odd way to phrase the question and Eddie is looking right at him, searching his face for something, but Buck doesn’t know what. “You don’t want me to stay here for any reason?” 

It’s on the tip of his tongue. 

_I do want you to stay here actually. I want you to stay here with me because I’m in love with you. I’m so in love with you that sometimes when I look at you, I feel like I can’t breathe. I want you to stay here so we can talk about this. So I can tell you exactly how much you mean to me and maybe you can do the same. Please stay here with me and I’ll never ask for anything else ever again._

“I’m sure,” he says with a smile. “I want you to go out with her.” 

Eddie nods, slowly and turns his face away from Buck’s view before he clears his throat. 

“Okay, well, uh, I’ll be back. I won’t be late, I promise.” 

Buck nods. “Have fun.” He bites his lip to stop it from wobbling. 

Eddie gives him one last glance before walking back to Christopher’s room. Buck sighs. He doesn’t understand how he let it get this bad, but he honestly doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He doesn’t want to leave, but being here is hurting him in a way that he never thought it would. He’s completely torn. 

When Eddie emerges a few minutes later, he’s frowning. Buck really doesn’t think this is how you’re supposed to start a first date with someone.

“He wants you.” He looks completely dejected and Buck feels horrible. 

He walks up to Eddie and places a hand on his shoulder in comfort. “Don’t worry. He’ll get over it. I’ll talk to him.” 

Eddie nods and then, to Buck’s absolute surprise, reaches out and pulls him in for a hug. Buck wraps his arms around him and squeezes him just as tightly. He smells amazing, like _home_, and he inhales, never wanting to forget it. 

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” Eddie says against Buck’s neck. “Really, Evan.” 

The rare use of his first name has his knees feeling weak. It makes him wish he was brave enough to tell Eddie the truth. 

“You don’t have to worry about that,” he says as he taps his hand against Eddie’s back. “I’ll always be here.” He pulls away with a smile, but keeps his arms on Eddie’s shoulders. 

“I should probably get going,” Eddie says after a while, although neither of them move. “Don’t wanna be late.” 

“No, wouldn’t want that.” But they stay in place; Buck’s hands on Eddie’s shoulders and Eddie’s on Buck’s waist. “I’ll see you later.” 

“Yeah,” he says. “See you later.” Their faces are so close together that it would be so easy to just lean forward and kiss him. He looks down at Eddie’s lips and thinks about what that would be like. 

It takes everything inside of him to pull away from Eddie and let the other man leave. 

An hour later, Buck and Christopher are sitting on the couch and watching The Karate Kid. Chris has been unusually quiet and Buck doesn’t wanna push, but he also doesn’t want him to feel this way. 

“Hey, bud. You feeling better now?” 

Chris nods. “I like when we get to watch movies together.” 

“Me too, but I was talking about your dad. Were you upset because he was going on a date tonight?” Christopher doesn’t say anything. “It’s okay to be upset, you know. It’ll take some time to get used to it, but your dad going on dates is a good thing. Don’t you want him to be happy?” 

“He is happy,” Christopher says like Buck’s the one who doesn’t get it. “He’s happy with you and me.”

“Well, yeah. But I meant more of being in love.” He says it like a joke, but when Christopher turns to look at him, there’s no hint of humor in his face. 

“He loves you.” He says it so simply and Buck wishes it _were_ that simple. 

“As a friend, yeah, but this kind of love is different.” 

“No, it’s not. He loves you. That’s why you live with us. You’re like my second dad.” He looks down and says the next part quietly. “We’re a family and I don’t want that to change.” 

Somehow, hearing the words from Christopher hits differently. Christopher sees them as a family. Fuck, he sees Buck as a second _dad_. He sees it the same way Buck sees it. He wants all the same things that Buck wants and isn’t that just the saddest fucking thing to realize? 

Christopher will never be okay with Eddie moving on and dating because of Buck living here. He’s gotten so used to Buck that he thinks of them as a family, and they are, but not _that_ kind. 

“Hey, I’m always going to be here for you, okay? No matter what happens, I’ll always be in your life, Christopher.” The younger boy turns to give him a hug. 

“I don’t want things to change,” he says again. 

Buck sighs. “I can’t tell you that things won’t change, because I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know one thing. I love you and your dad very much and I’ll always be here for you, okay? You don’t have to worry about losing me. I promise.” 

It’s the only promise he can make, because now he knows that what he said to Maddie is the only option he has. He has to move out. He can’t do this to Christopher. He can’t let him get so used to him being around that he doesn’t want to see Eddie with anyone else. It’s not fair to _any_ of them. 

Christopher just nods at his words before turning back to the TV. Buck gets the feeling that he knows they aren’t on the same page here, but he’s mature enough to understand that there are reasons beyond that that Buck isn’t sharing with him. 

“Did you ever do karate?” Christopher asks after a few seconds. 

The question makes Buck laugh. “Oh, man. Let me tell you about the time Maddie kicked my ass so bad at practice that I wanted to quit.” Christopher gives him a pointed look and Buck’s grin grows. “Don’t tell your dad I said that.” 

“Okay,” he agrees easily, “our secret.” 

The dark and heavy mood from earlier is replaced and just like that everything is okay. For now. 

.

.

.

When Eddie finally comes home around midnight, Buck is still awake and watching TV. At least that’s what he tells himself. He’s actually been checking the clock every five minutes. He’s wanted to text Eddie several times during the night, but he knows that was him being ridiculous. 

But when Eddie stumbles inside, reeking of alcohol and stumbling a little, Buck is immediately concerned. 

“Hey,” he says softly, not wanting to wake Chris up. He stands up and Eddie looks at him like a deer caught in the headlights before he laughs loudly. “Shhh! You’re gonna wake Chris up.” 

Eddie brings a finger up to his mouth. “Shhh.” 

He would laugh if this were any other time, but honestly, nothing about this is funny. Eddie’s eyes are bloodshot red and he stumbles around more, causing Buck to reach out and grab him so he doesn’t fall. 

“Fun night?” He asks even though he’s dreading to hear the answer. 

“Oh yeah. Rachel kissed me.” Eddie leans into Buck and wraps his arms around him. He always was a clingy drunk. 

Buck just stands there, holding Eddie and trying to act like that statement didn’t just kill everything inside of him. 

“Oh.” 

“Then I told her the truth.” 

“The truth?” 

“Mhm,” Eddie hums, but he doesn’t elaborate. “She’s a very understanding girl.” 

“Okay. Well, come on. Let’s get you into bed, okay?” 

“No,” Eddie says and smiles up at him. “I don’t want to sleep. Let’s do something.” 

“Do something?” Buck echoes. “It’s past midnight, Eddie. Christopher is asleep in his room. We both need to sleep.” 

“Yeah.” And now he’s looking at Buck with an _entirely_ different look. “Yeah, let’s go to bed.” 

“Are you okay?” Buck asks, feeling like he’s missing something here. 

“I’m fine. I’m great! How are you?” 

“What?”

“I mean, why are you still up?” 

Buck’s face goes red. “I wanted to make sure you got home okay, and I wanted to talk to you.” 

“Then let’s talk.” 

“Let’s get some water for you first and try to sober you up a little.” 

Eddie huffs but doesn’t object whenever Buck grabs onto his hand and walks him to the kitchen. 

Thirty minutes later, Eddie is finally coherent. Buck’s made him some food too and he’s currently scarfing it down. He might not be hungover in the morning now and Buck’s counting it as a win. 

“So I talked to Christopher,” Buck says as Eddie chews his food. “He was upset because he doesn’t want you to date anyone, because he’s gotten so used to me being here that he doesn’t want anyone else to ruin that.”

Eddie swallows and looks up at him in shock. “What did you tell him?” 

“I told him that I would always be in his life, no matter what happens.” There must be something in his voice that gives him away because Eddie drops his fork and frowns at Buck. 

“What does that mean?” 

He opens his mouth twice before the words finally fall from his lips. 

“I’m moving out, Eddie.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck tries to figure out what’s really going on with Eddie and where he’s getting his new bruises from, while wondering if he’s doing the right thing by keeping his feelings hidden from Eddie.
> 
> Feat. A fed up Maddie, a helpful Hen, one drunken kiss, and a whole lot of miscommunication.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) 
> 
> me with canon: i hate this street fighting storyline so much please make it go away 
> 
> me in fanon: STREET FIGHTING! STREET FIGHTING! STREET FIGHTING! 
> 
> This is .... SO LATE I AM SORRY. I just moved to Vegas so I have been writing this entire chapter on my phone because I don’t have wifi to use my laptop until Monday, so it has been a PROCESS. 
> 
> Also this is completely unbeta’d so if there are any mistakes, I’m so sorry and I’ll fix them as soon as I get my wifi up and running again. :) 
> 
> Thank you for all the lovely comments on the first chapter! They seriously make my entire day and I love reading them :’) brings a tear to my eye. And for those of you who said you were frustrated with Buck and the miscommunication on the first chapter, buckle tf up because it gets a lot worse before it gets better. 
> 
> enjoooooy <3

You know that feeling when your stomach is so tied up in knots that it feels like you’re about to double over in pain? When your entire body feels like it’s on fire and you just want to rip off your skin? When you can physically feel your heart shatter and fall to the bottom of your stomach? 

Watching Eddie’s face crinkle up in confusion before it completely falls has Buck feeling exactly like that. 

His best friend looks at a complete loss for words. He’s staring at Buck like he doesn’t think he’s real. He even shakes his head and blinks a few times, like maybe Buck is just a figment of his slightly tipsy mind, like he can will him away. But Buck doesn’t move. 

He’s rooted to the spot, he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. He has no clue what Eddie’s going to say or do and a part of him is scared for whatever comes next. He just hopes that Eddie is understanding, and he’s sure that he will be, because Eddie is a pretty rational guy. 

“No, you’re not.” 

Buck’s mouth opens slightly as he looks at him in shock. Okay, that’s definitely _not_ what he’d been expecting. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“You’re not moving out, Buck. What the hell?” Eddie stands up from the table and he looks pissed off, but more than that, he looks _scared_. It’s a weird mix of emotions to see on him and Buck doesn’t like it. 

“Yes, I am!” 

“Why?” He asks, voice raising. Buck shushes him again and Eddie glares. “You wanna move out because Christopher is _too happy having you here?_ Do you realize how stupid that sounds? Do you think he’s going to be okay with you leaving?” 

That’s not the whole reason, but fuck, when Eddie puts it like that it does sound ridiculous. Buck can’t tell him the real reason though. He can’t. 

“It’s not like I’m leaving his life or anything. I’m still going to be around. I just won’t be here twenty-four seven.” Eddie’s still glaring at him and Buck really doesn’t know what the hell his problem is right now. “It’s not like I was going to live here forever, Eddie. This was only temporary.” 

Eddie’s glare changes then as a look of realization falls over his face. He nods slowly to himself and Buck is once again feeling left out, although not for too long this time. 

“You already thought this through before tonight,” he says softly. “You were going to leave regardless, weren’t you?”

And now Buck feels like he’s the one caught in the headlights. He’s looking at Eddie with wide eyes and he stutters as he tries to think about what to say. He should just say yes, because that’s the truth, but for some reason he’s nervous. Why is he so nervous? He hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s normal for roommates to move out. They’re not supposed to live together forever.

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset,” he says softly because he’s genuinely at a loss for words right now. He could understand Eddie being sad about this, but mad? Why on earth would he be mad? 

“That’s your problem!” Eddie lashes out and Buck moves back as Eddie takes a step towards him. He knows that Eddie would never actually hurt him, but he’s also never seen Eddie this mad, especially not at _him_. “You don’t understand a fucking thing!” 

Buck looks at him with hurt written all over his face, but Eddie pays him no mind. 

“You don’t listen and you don’t try to understand!” 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Buck says in exasperation. “You’re acting ridiculous right now, Eddie! You’re making this something that it isn’t.” 

“I don’t care that you’re leaving, Buck. You want out of here? Fine. Go. I don’t care.” Buck’s heart shatters more than he thought possible as he looks at his best friend in shock. “But you’ve known for how long now? And you’re barely telling me _now_?” 

“I…” he doesn’t know what to say. Of all the ways he was expecting this conversation to go, this was not one of them. He wishes he would have just waited until the morning. He probably shouldn’t have sprung this on Eddie while he was still kind of drunk. In the back of his mind, he knows that he should try to talk Eddie down, say they can talk about this in the morning, but he can’t move past Eddie telling him to leave; that he wouldn’t care. That hurts more than anything else and it hurts so bad that it pisses him off. 

“You know what?” Buck says quietly. “I’m going to Maddie’s for the night.” 

Eddie looks at him in confusion, like he doesn’t understand the sentence and Buck just shakes his head and turns around. If Eddie doesn’t care then fine. He can leave right now. What does it matter anyway? 

Suddenly, Eddie’s hand shoots out and grabs Buck by the arm to turn him back towards him. Buck tries to rip his arm away but Eddie’s grip is like an iron lock. 

“Why do you want to leave me so badly?” Eddie asks and now the anger is gone from his face and replaced by sadness. It nearly knocks Buck off of his feet. 

“I don’t want to leave you,” he says and shakes his head. “Eddie, you’re clearly still a little drunk. You’re overthinking all of this.” 

“Don’t leave,” Eddie begs, softly. “Tonight. Don’t leave tonight.” 

Buck bites at his lip and sighs. He doesn’t think staying here will solve anything, but Eddie looks so destroyed and tired and honestly, Buck doesn’t want to add to any of that. So he nods. 

“Okay, I’ll stay, but we have to talk about this in the morning. You know I’m right, Eddie. I have to leave.” 

Eddie doesn’t say anything, but he does let Buck guide him to his bedroom. It’s easy to get him into bed and under the covers. Buck’s even nice enough to take off his shoes and socks for him. Eddie smiles at that and thanks him over and over again like he’s done some incredible thing. 

It’s not until Buck’s turning off the light that Eddie calls out for him. 

“You’re wrong,” he says, head in the pillow and words muffled. “You don’t need to leave. You can stay here with me.” 

“What?” 

“You could stay with me,” Eddie says, voice laced with sleep. “It’s where you belong.” The end of that sentence drops off and Buck is stood staring a sleeping Eddie in shock. It takes another five minutes before he can finally leave. 

.

.

.

Things are a little awkward the next morning. They don’t really talk about it at breakfast and Christopher, thank God, is somehow oblivious to everything going on. He might be the only thing that saves the morning, if Buck’s being honest. 

When Eddie asks if Buck’s going to ride with them, he says no and tries to ignore the way that Eddie’s face drops. He doesn’t say anything though, not in front of Christopher, and Buck gives him a small smile before watching them walk out of the front door. 

He knows that Eddie remembers the news he dropped on him last night; he can tell from the way he’s walking around like Buck kicked his puppy. They’re going to have to talk about it at some point, but Buck would like to postpone that for as long as possible. A part of him even wishes that maybe they could just forget all about it, but he knows he made the right decision. That’s what he keeps telling himself at least. 

Truth is he can’t stop thinking about what Eddie had said last night about this being where Buck belongs; with _him_. He wonders if Eddie remembers that part. It almost hurt to hear. Sometimes he wonders if Eddie hears the words that come out of his mouth; the way that they sound to Buck. He wonders if he would still say them if he knew how Buck really feels. 

He doesn’t have time to think about that right now. 

If things were icy at home, they’re so much worse at work. 

Eddie has taken to hanging off of Hen all shift and whenever Buck tries to get his attention, he lies and says he has something to do. Buck’s trying not to hold it against him because he knows that he went about things the entirely wrong way, but he’s starting to get frustrated with him. Eddie has never been this cold to him, he’s never ignored him like this before, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. 

Eddie’s cleaning the damn firetruck even though it’s fucking spotless because he’s been cleaning it all day and Buck is sitting on the couch and staring at the TV without actually watching what’s on. Everyone else must be sick of their shit, because Hen comes up and takes a seat next to him. 

“You’re watching Twilight.” She says. 

“I like Twilight.” 

“No, you don’t.” 

“What if I told you I’ve seen every single one of them over five times?” 

Hen looks at him in surprise. “Have you?” He just smiles at the question. “Team Edward or Team Bella?” 

“Team Emmett.” 

Hen laughs loudly and he laughs too. 

“Look, is everything okay?” She asks. “I don’t want to pry and maybe I’m seeing things that aren’t there, but things seem kind of tense between you and Eddie today.” 

Buck sighs. “That obvious?” 

“You two are usually attached at the hip and even the jaws of life couldn’t tear you apart, but today? I’m not complaining about him wanting to spend some quality time together, but his mood is seriously starting to bring _me_ down.” She gives him a pointed look. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Did you ask him if he wants to talk about it?” 

She shrugs. “You know how Eddie is. He’d rather keep it all bottled up until the last possible second.” 

Buck snorts, but doesn’t saying anything. It’s true. “I told him I’m moving out,” he admits. What’s the point of lying? Hen looks completely taken aback at his words as she blinks in surprise. 

“Really? Why? What happened?” 

Why does something have to be wrong? Why can’t he just want to move out? Why does everyone seem to act like him moving out is some terrible thing? Why is he starting to feel like he just made a really big mistake? 

“I just figured it’s time, ya know? Besides Eddie’s getting back out there with dating and somehow I don’t think him telling them that he has a grown man as a roommate is going to get him any kind of help.” 

She just makes a face. “Right. Okay then. Obviously he doesn’t feel the same way if he’s this upset over it. Buck, are you sure that you two are on the same page?” 

He nods. “Yeah, he was just surprised that’s all. We knew it was going to happen eventually. He’ll get over it.” He doesn’t sound so sure though and Hen looks even less sure. 

“Okay, Buck. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here, okay?” She stands up from the couch and claps him on the shoulder before walking away. He tries not to think about how she’s the second person to tell him that; tries not to think about how it seems everyone is onto him. 

.

.

.

“It doesn’t make sense,” Christopher says sadly as he looks down at the paper in front of him. Buck picks it up and smiles supportingly. 

“Sure it does! It’s kind of like Atlantis, right? Just with a twist. It makes sense.” He reads over the short story again and nods. It’s actually really good and he has to stop and wonder if he’s ever even written something nearly as interesting as this. “It’s good, bud. I promise.” 

“Are you sure?” He asks again. His class is having some kind of writing contest and he’s been working over his short story for a week now. Buck honestly doesn’t think it can possibly get any better, but he’s also been in Christopher’s shoes. He knows what it’s like to doubt even your best work. 

“I’m positive! This is amazing. You’re gonna win, I know it.” 

“You have to say that,” but he’s grinning now and looks a lot more sure of himself. 

“I would say it even if you weren’t my favorite.” 

Eddie’s out once again. Ever since Buck had dropped the news of wanting to move out four days ago, he’s been dodging Buck like he has the plague. It’s made for some awkward situations at work and home and Buck’s starting to feel like he’s going crazy. All he wants to do is talk to his best friend but the other man isn’t having it. 

Like today, for instance, Buck had suggested they all sit down and watch a movie together since Christopher doesn’t have homework and they’re both off. Eddie had refused, saying he had plans, but he hadn’t specified what plans those were. Buck can’t help but to think that he’s out with Rachel or some other girl. It sends a white hot rage through him and that ugly feeling settles deep in his stomach again, making him feel like he’s about to curl over and throw up his lunch. He doesn’t though. He simply blinks away the tears that are pooling in his eyes and clears his throat. 

He pushed Eddie to start dating, that’s on him. He told him he wanted to move out, that’s also on him. Eddie was never going to love him anyway, that’s not on either of them. That’s just the way reality is. Sometimes the people you love don’t love you back; _can’t_ love you back, at least not the way you want them to. And that’s okay. It has to be. 

When Eddie finally does show up, Christopher’s fast asleep on the couch and Buck is cleaning up around the living room and kitchen. This place hardly ever gets messy and if he’s being honest, it’s not even a mess right now, but he needs something to keep him occupied. 

He looks up when he hears someone snort from the entryway of the kitchen. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you do such a thorough cleaning,” Eddie says with a tired smile. 

“Yeah, well… it was looking bad.” 

“Oh?” Eddie tilts his head in amusement and Buck sighs. He opens his mouth to say something but stops when he actually gets a good look at Eddie.

There’s a cut that’s split his lip on the side and a bruise is forming on his cheek. He’s holding onto the left side of his rib cage as if he’s in pain. Buck stands up quickly and all but runs over to him. 

“What the hell happened to you?” He asks, borderline crazed. “Are you okay? Jesus, Eddie!” 

“Calm down. It doesn’t even hurt.” But he backs away from Buck’s touch like it’s a fire he wants no part of. 

“Did you get jumped or something?” 

“Or something.” There’s a look in Eddie’s eyes that he’s never seen before; a kind of darkness. He hates it. He feels like he’s looking at a stranger. 

“Are you going to elaborate on that?” 

“It’s nothing, Buck. Seriously. You don’t need to know every part of my life.” _Ouch._ He steps back like Eddie’s just hit him and for a split second, he can see the inner turmoil in his best friend’s eyes, but it’s gone just as fast as it came. His eyes do soften though. “Look, I’m fine, okay?”

“You don’t look fine.” 

“I look exactly like I would after a bad day at work.” Which okay, is true enough, but the fact that Buck knows this isn’t from work is what makes it very much _not okay_. Eddie doesn’t seem to understand that and he’s not sure that he can make him. 

“Well, since you’re here, can we finally talk?” Eddie’s face doesn’t change. “About me leaving.” Buck elaborates. 

“I don’t see why we have to. You want to leave and that’s fine.” It’s a stark contrast from what he was saying just days ago and as much as he would like to believe that Eddie’s come around to the idea, he knows him better than that. “You’re welcome to stay here until you find another place.” 

Somehow that sentence hurts more than it should. It feels so dismissive, like Buck was just some random tenant living with Eddie._ Isn’t that what you made yourself out to be?_ His mind whispers. 

“Okay, but I mean, you were really upset the other night. I just want to make sure that things aren’t going to change between us because of this.” 

“I wasn’t upset, I was drunk. I think anyone would have reacted the same way.” 

Buck wants to scream. Eddie’s being completely dismissive about all of this and he doesn’t know what to do or say. The words coming out of his mouth are saying one thing, but the tense look on his face and the void emotion in his words is saying something completely different. Buck doesn’t know which is worse. 

“Would you stop?” Buck exclaims in exasperation. “I’m trying to talk to you about this and you keep blowing it off!” 

“What do you want me to say here, Buck? Huh? You want me to beg you to stay or something? You’re the one who said it wasn’t a big deal so fine, that’s what I’m making it; not a big deal. Friends move out all the time and after all, that’s all we are. We’re just friends.” 

_As opposed to what?_ He wants to yell out. Instead he switches gears completely. 

“Where were you today?” He asks. “Serious question, honest answer. Where the hell did you go that has you looking like that?” 

Eddie’s eyes divert from his, so he already knows that whatever he says, it’s going to be a lie. 

“To the gym.” 

“Oh yeah? Did the punching bags start hitting back this time?” Eddie doesn’t answer him and Buck is about to give up. He’s never seen Eddie act like this before and he doesn’t know what to do or how to stop it. Is this because he wants to move out? It can’t be. It has to be deeper than that, but he can’t figure out what else could be bothering him. Everything is going good, or at least that’s what Buck had thought. He just wishes Eddie would talk to him about what’s really on his mind. 

When it becomes very clear that Eddie’s not going to say anything, Buck just sighs before hanging his head in defeat. 

“You know what? Fine, Eddie. Just forget I asked. I’m sorry that I care. I’ll remember not to next time you come home all banged up.” 

“You won’t be here anyway.” 

You could hear a pin drop with how dead silent the room becomes. A chill goes over Buck’s body as he stares at Eddie in disbelief. Eddie just looks back at him with cold eyes and Buck doesn’t even recognize the person in front of him. 

“So what? Because I’m moving out, you’re gonna stop giving a shit about what happens to you?” He scoffs. “Fine, okay. I’m out of here.” He walks right past him and towards the door, grabbing his keys from the table in the hallway. Just as he’s about to reach the door, Eddie yanks on his arm and pulls him back so forcefully that he stumbles a little bit. 

He falls into Eddie, wide eyed and shocked. He expects the other man to push him away, but instead Eddie’s grip stays tight on him like he’s scared Buck might disappear from his sight if he lets go. They’re flushed against each other’s chests and Buck looks down at Eddie, licking his lips and hating himself for wanting to lean forward and kiss him. 

Eddie’s eyes soften as soon as Buck’s land on them again. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, looking completely broken. “I don’t… know how to deal with this.” 

“With me moving out?” 

Eddie shakes his head. “With feeling like I’m losing you.” 

Buck looks at him in confusion. “You aren’t losing me, Eddie. You could never lose me.” He reaches up and places his hand against where Eddie’s is still clutching at his arm and strokes it with his thumb softly. 

“I know that, but I guess I never really learned how to deal with my feelings when it comes to things not going my way and my first instinct is to just bottle everything up and eventually that gets to be too much and it all comes boiling over.” He puts his head down and it falls against Buck’s chest. He wonders if Eddie can feel his heart pounding against his chest. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize to me, I get it. I just wish that you would have talked to me about this. You don’t have to keep things bottled up, not with me. Okay?” He cards his fingers through Eddie’s hair before dragging his hand down to his cheek softly. When Eddie hisses at the contact, Buck is reminded of the bruise on his cheek. “Can you tell me where you went today? Please.” 

Eddie’s quiet for so long that Buck thinks he’s never going to answer, and then a small voice speaks up. “I went to a boxing gym with Lena.” 

It takes him a minute to remember that name, but when he does, he pulls away from Eddie with a frown. 

“Lena? The firefighter?” Eddie nods. “I didn’t know you guys still talked.” 

They’d met Lena briefly at a Christmas party last year with the department. She hadn’t really clicked with Buck, which was fine, but for a short time period her and Eddie were pretty close. It had gotten on Buck’s nerves like nothing else, mainly because she didn’t seem like the greatest influence. Although Eddie would just laugh and say that Buck didn’t know her that well. To hear that they’re on speaking terms still _and_ that they’re hanging out? It kind of feels like some kind of betrayal, even though Buck knows that’s not true. 

“Occasionally. She helps me out when it comes to the anger stuff.” 

And now Buck’s completely pulling away from Eddie. 

“Helps you out?” He echoes. “How is letting you get your face bashed in helping out? Help is telling you to talk to someone! It’s talking to you about what’s bothering you! It’s literally anything _but_ that!”

“My face isn’t bashed in, Buck.” Eddie must be able to tell that things aren’t going well, because he sighs in frustration. “I don’t want to talk about that right now. I don’t want to fight with you.” 

It’s on the tip of Buck’s tongue to start getting mad _anyway_, but he stops himself before he can. Eddie’s right. There’s no point in them fighting. Nothing is going to get accomplished that way. 

“Then what do you want to talk about?” 

“You don’t have to move out,” Eddie says. “Christopher and I want you here. This is your home too, you know.” 

Buck closes his eyes at the words. It’s all he’s ever wanted since knowing Eddie; to feel like he’s actually a big part of his world, a part that he possibly couldn’t live without. He wonders if it’s worse to have a part of Eddie, the part that loves him dearly as a friend, or to have none of him at all. 

“I know, but--,”he sighs as he tries to find the right words, “it’d be different if we were two dudes living together in college or something, but we’re older. You’re dating, I’ll be dating, what girl really wants to come home to another guy living with her boyfriend?” 

“You’re dating?” 

Okay. Out of that entire sentence, _that’s_ what he chose to pick up on? Buck looks at him in exasperation, because honestly, that wasn’t the point at all. 

“I’m not dating anyone right now, no, but in the future.” He gives him a ‘duh’ look and Eddie just nods slowly. “It’s not like I’m moving out tomorrow.” Truth be told, he hasn’t even started looking at other places, but Eddie doesn’t need to know that. 

“Damn right you’re not. You gotta finish up your cleaning.” He gestures down to the spotless floor and Buck laughs. 

“Shut up,” he says as he shoves Eddie playfully. “But really, man. This doesn’t change anything between us. I’m always going to be here for you, I’m always going to be your best friend. You never have to worry about losing me.” 

“Like a pain in my side,” Eddie says with a grin and Buck feels like maybe they’re leaving everything behind them. 

.

.

.

The fire department decides to have a baseball game a week after Buck and Eddie’s talk. It’s a bright and sunny day with a little of a breeze and it’s beautiful. Everyone’s laughing and joking around, having a great time together, even if Hen and Bobby are getting a little _too_ into it. 

Christopher is sandwiched between Maddie and Carla on the bleachers, cheering along the team and all in all, it’s an amazing day. 

Except the fire house that they’re playing just happens to be Lena’s. 

It’s not that Buck is suddenly outrageously jealous of her or anything, it’s _not_. He just has a lot of questions that aren’t getting answered and frankly, he’s tired of asking them. He figured that Eddie had stopped going to the boxing gym with her, because he hasn’t had any new bruises lately, but during a time out Eddie had ran over to her and they talked for a while. They could have talked about anything really, but the fact that Buck doesn’t know _about what_ is driving him crazy. 

“Buck!” Bobby shouts from first base. “Get up there! We need a home run!” 

Right, yeah. It’s his turn to bat. He shakes all the thoughts out of his head as he leaves the dugout and swings his bat in a showy matter. 

There’s a loud whistle from the field and he smiles as he sees Eddie cheering on third base.

“Yeah, number 12! Looking good!” 

Buck points his bat at Eddie as he steps up the plate. “Home run, baby! Just for you!” 

He can hear Maddie and Athena cackle loudly from the stands behind him before erupting into a cheer, but he’s focused on Eddie, who digs his shoes into the ground and winks at him. 

The catcher winds up the pitch and the crack as ball impacts with the bat is so satisfying. Everyone gets up and cheers as the 118 makes their way through all the bases, and when Buck finally hits home plate again, Eddie collides with him as he hugs him tightly. 

“Yeah!” He exclaims. “That’s how we do it, baby! That’s how we do it!” 

“Said I’d get that home run, didn’t I?” 

They’re all gathered around and talking on the diamond, when Buck feels someone tug on his pants. He looks down to see Christopher grinning up at him.

“That was a good game, kid,” Christopher says and Buck leans down to pick him up, causing him to laugh in glee. 

“Yeah? Did you see that last hit?”

“I did! You were really good.” 

“What about me?” Eddie whines at his son. “Wasn’t I good?” 

“The best,” Christopher says and Eddie wraps his arms around the both of them. Buck feels an intense wave of love wash over him at the touch. He knows that he’s going to spend the rest of his life chasing the happiness that he feels right now, but he also knows that nothing else could ever compare to it. 

“Good game!” Maddie says as she walks up to them with Chimney. “Nice to see you still got that killer arm, Buck.” 

“Killer arm?” Chimney asks and Maddie nods. 

“Oh yeah, Buck used to be a real star on the baseball diamond. I think Coach Taylor nearly went into cardiac arrest when Buck told him he didn’t want to play professional.” 

“I didn’t know that,” Eddie says, looking impressed. 

“Yeah, it was fun, but not something I wanted to do for a career, ya know?” 

“That’s cool!” Chris says, clearly intrigued by the whole thing. “I could have a dad who played baseball.” 

They all laugh and Eddie shakes his head. “No, bud. I never played. I was more of a football guy.” 

And hell if that doesn’t bring up all kinds of fantasies in Buck’s mind. He doesn’t have time to live any of them out before Chris is completely shocking him. 

“Not you,” the little boy says. “Buck.” And then he rests his head against Buck’s shoulder. They all go silent. Buck is staring down at Christopher in complete shock, but he doesn’t seem to find anything off with what he’s just said. 

Maddie catches Buck’s eye and she looks even more surprised than he is, but it’s Eddie who Buck is really concerned about. Is he going to take Christopher’s words the wrong way? Is he going to take him out of Buck’s hands? Say that Buck isn’t his dad and Christopher should never call him that again? 

A million and one scenarios are running through his head and yet none of them can take away the feeling that’s running through his veins right now. He feels like he could cry. It’s no secret that he loves Christopher with all of his heart. He would do anything and everything for him, without a question in the world. Sometimes it feels like maybe he could be Buck’s kid; in another world, in another life. 

But instead Eddie just smiles softly at his son and then at Buck. Buck’s still looking at him like he’s a bomb waiting to go off, but then he strokes Buck’s arm with his thumb and looks at him with the dopiest smile Buck has ever seen on him. It makes his mouth go completely dry. 

He can't ...? There’s no way. Eddie can’t possibly look at him like _that_, like he also sees Buck as Christopher’s dad, because that would mean he sees him as his own life partner and there’s just… there’s no way. Right? Because Eddie doesn’t like him like that, he doesn’t. He doesn’t like guys and he sure as hell doesn’t like Buck. They’re best friends and Buck’s just letting his mind wander because he wants it to be true so _fucking bad_. 

But he sees the way Eddie is looking at him right now and it’s hard to believe anything _but_ that. 

_Stop. Stop it. He doesn’t feel that way about you. You’re going to break your own heart. _

He clears his throat after what feels like an eternity and focuses his attention back on Christopher. 

“Yeah, bud,” he says with a shaky voice, “could have had a regular ‘ole celebrity.” 

Chris hums out in thought. “I think I’d rather have you, Buck. You’re already cool.” He touches Buck’s cheek softly and it takes everything inside of him not to completely breakdown. 

.

.

.

“I have a crisis.” 

“Obviously.” 

“I am in love with Eddie.” 

“Obviously.” 

“Eddie might love me too.” 

“Obviously.” 

“No, like _love_ love me. Eddie might be in love with me.” 

Maddie raises an eyebrow at Buck. “No? Really? I think Chimney might be in love with me too, now that I think about it.”

“Not helping,” Buck glares. “I’m serious, Maddie. What if I was wrong this whole time and he does feel something for me?” 

“Then you can finally get your head out of your ass and tell him that you love him and the rest of us can live in perfect harmony knowing that you two finally got it together.” 

His glare hardens. “But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m so completely wrong and then I lose him?” Maddie opens her mouth to disagree, but he cuts her off because she can say anything. “No, Maddie, I’m serious. What if somehow we’re both wrong and he just sees me as a friend? I could lose him forever, it’s a strong possibility, and I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with myself if that happened. I would actually lose myself without him.” 

“Evan—.” 

“And I don’t even mean it in the ‘I’m in love with him’ way. I mean it like he’s the first real best friend I’ve ever had. He’s the guy I go to when I need someone to talk to, when I’m at my highest and lowest. I love his son like he’s my own. I look at them and all I see is family. If I lose them, I lose myself.” 

She finally looks like she gets it as her eyes turn sad. 

“Evan,” she says again, “if you don’t tell Eddie how you feel, you will live the rest of your life in regret. You’ll always wonder ‘What if?’ and you’ll grow to resent yourself. You’ll never be happy. Sure, you may move on and find someone else, but you’ll always feel a little empty as you sit around and wonder how things could have turned out.” 

“If you tell him and he feels the same way then that’ll be amazing. But if you tell him and he doesn’t feel the same? At least you can say that you tried. You’ll know your answer and you’ll have closure, and it’ll be hard as hell but you will move on and one day you’ll be happy.” 

“But—.” 

“Evan, look at me.” He does and his eyes start to water at the love that he sees behind them. “Romantic or not, Eddie loves you. He loves you with Christopher. Anyone with eyes can see that you’re as big a part of his life as he is yours. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there isn’t a world out there where Eddie would ever let you leave him.” 

“I love you and I want to see you happy,” she continues. “I want to see you loving your life and being loved the way that you deserve. So give yourself that chance and just tell him.” 

His lip wobbles as he smiles at her and when he lets out a little laugh, it comes out just as shaky. 

“What would I do without you?” 

“You’d live, you’d just be a lot more miserable because well, I’m kind of awesome.” 

.

.

.

He decides that Wednesday is going to be the day that he tells Eddie. He’s off tonight and Eddie’s getting off around eight and Chris is at Eddie’s abuela’s so everything is perfect. He’s cooked them dinner because it seems like the right thing to do in this situation and he’s even dressed up fairly nice, if he does say so himself. He’s feeling good about tonight and he can’t contain his jitters as the clock gets closer to eight. He’s planned it just right so that the lasagna will be done right as soon as Eddie gets home. 

So when it’s 8:15, he’s just serving their plates. 

When it’s 8:30, he pours himself a glass of wine. 

At 9:00, he checks his phone again to see if he has any missed calls. 

At 9:23, he calls Hen to ask if something happened and that’s why he hasn’t heard from Eddie.

At 9:22, he learns that Eddie left the station with Lena. 

At 9:25, he throws the lasagna away. 

At 10:00, he finishes the bottle of wine and drives to the store to get another one. 

He doesn’t know what time it is. He’s having an honest-to-God dance party in the living room. He’s on his third bottle of wine and he doesn’t even_ like_ wine but Eddie always has the good shit, because _he_ likes wine. Of course he does. 

The music is loud and the room is spinning and he’s having the best time of his life. He’s considered calling Maddie to come over because she loves wine and loud music and he’s getting tired of dancing alone. He hadn’t been able to find his phone though, which had sent that idea flying out of the window. 

It’s okay though, because he’s still having fun. He’s having fun despite the fact that Eddie is out right now doing God knows what with Lena even though Buck had cooked him a lovely meal and was going to tell him the truth tonight. But fuck his whole life, right? Just when he thinks things could finally go the way he wanted them to, just when he thinks that maybe he has a chance, life decides to swoop in and take that all away. 

Maybe it was a sign. Maybe this is the universe telling him not to get his hopes up, because it would never happen. The universe is trying to save him the embarrassment, but it’s too late. He’s somehow already extremely humiliated. 

He’s halfway through singing Owner of a Lonely Heart by Yes whenever the front door lock clicks open. He startles for a moment wondering who could possibly be breaking into his house. Then he remembers that this isn’t his house and so there’s only one person it could possibly be. 

Eddie walks in, head down and a hoodie pulled over it and for some reason it’s the funniest thing in the world to him. He laughs loudly, but as soon as Eddie looks up, he stops. 

The split lip is back but it’s worse than it was before. The entire right side of his face is bruised and his eye is nearly swollen shut. The hoodie is unzipped so Buck sees the bruising and scratches that litter his chest. All of his weight is resting on his right leg, so Buck knows that something has to be wrong with his left. He looks so terrible that Buck sways on his feet, feeling like he might pass out. 

“Buck?” Eddie grunts. “What the fuck are you doing?” He looks pissed off and for some reason, that scares Buck. He really wishes he hadn’t decided to drink. 

“What time is it?” He asks, deflecting the question. 

“What? It’s two.” 

Two. Two in the fucking morning. Eddie was supposed to get off at eight and he didn’t get home until two, which fine, _whatever_. But he hadn’t even had the audacity to tell Buck he’d be coming home late? What a hypocrite. 

“What happened to you?” He asks. “And don’t lie to me.” He steps forward, trying to be intimidating, but he stumbles a little bit. Eddie narrows his eyes then winces at the pain that causes.

“Are you drunk, Buck? What the fuck!” 

“Uh, yeah? Is there some kind of rule that says I can’t drink?” 

“No, but what the hell. Have you been drinking here all night by yourself?” 

Buck’s cheeks redden. “Gotta say, it looks like I had a better night than you.” Eddie just glares at him and Buck snorts. “Still gonna try and tell me you’re just boxing?” 

“I am.” 

“Bullshit. What kind of boxing gym has you coming home looking like that at two in the morning?” Buck stumbles closer to him and Eddie moves back a step. “Why can’t you just tell me the truth?” 

“Because you’re drunk and I’m tired. We aren’t having this conversation right now.” 

It’s a dismissal that Buck chooses to completely ignore. 

“You’re a hypocrite,” he seethes and Eddie looks at him in surprise. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You’re a hypocrite! I go to my sister’s for one night and you blow up my phone and the next day you’re telling me off because you were so worried, but when you do it to me, I’m just supposed to ignore these bruises and the fact that you’re lying to me?” He shakes his head in mock amusement. “You don’t think I was worried? That I _am_ worried? Look at you! I’m supposed to just be okay with this? Would you be okay with it?” 

The two of them stare each other down. Buck is radiating with his anger and Eddie, as banged up as his face is, looks at a loss for words. 

Neither know what to say, that much is obvious, but Buck needs Eddie to say _anything_. After tonight, after what he had planned to do, he needs to know what was so important that he was blown off, even if it was unintentional. 

“You were out with Lena,” he says, softer now. “Because she helps you out when it comes to the anger, right? I thought you said you would talk to me.” 

Eddie stays quiet and Buck just nods his head. He knows when he’s fighting a losing battle. Maybe tonight was a sheer sign from above that he needs to move on once and for all. He wishes he could leave, a part of him wants to let Eddie suffer here alone. In the end, he just gestures with his head over to the kitchen. 

“Let me look you over at least.” He’s still partially drunk, but he’s always been very good with his hands when he’s tipsy. He’ll be able to patch Eddie up no problem; at least the visible things. 

Eddie looks like he’s considering walking away, but then he nods and follows Buck over to the kitchen, sitting down at the table as the other man goes to get the first aid box. 

Eddie’s bruises and cuts are vicious and Buck is as gentle and careful as he can possibly be as he fixes him up. He’s going to have a nasty shiner and Buck hates that it’s something Christopher will see, but at least they can say it’s from work. He tries to ignore how shitty he feels at the idea of having to lie to someone he sees as a son. He’d do it for Eddie though, no matter how stupid he’s currently being. 

When he’s done with his face, Buck’s eyes fall down to where Eddie’s fists are clenched on his lap. They’re bruised and swollen and for some reason that breaks Buck’s heart more than anything else here does.

He reaches down to touch them lightly and Eddie hisses in pain at the soft contact. Buck rips his hand away like Eddie’s skin has burned his. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says quickly. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why—.” 

“No,” Eddie stops him. “Don’t apologize. I, uh, I liked it. Your hands are just really cold and… it felt good on the bruises.” 

“Oh.” He looks down at his hands then back up at Eddie, who’s staring at him intensely. “Do you want me to put my hands on them?” Eddie just nods slowly and Buck does as he wishes. 

Eddie’s eyes immediately closes at the touch. Buck touches them lightly, letting the tips of his fingers dance across the angry purple bruises at first. He touches every single spot like he can somehow make it all better that way. He places the palm of his hands over Eddie’s and lets them lay there gently. It’s a ghost of a touch and yet it’s like a jolt of electricity between them. 

He stays still and quiet and Eddie sits there with his eyes shut closed. His face isn’t curled up in pain or anger anymore. He looks calm and relaxed and Buck’s determined to stay here forever if it keeps him like this. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says after a few minutes as he opens his eyes. “I keep… I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel like I’m lying to you or hiding things from you.” 

“But you are.” Eddie hangs his head in shame at the way Buck says the words sadly. 

“I know and I’m sorry.” 

“I just don’t understand why you can’t talk to me. I’m supposed to be your best friend.” 

“You are my best friend!” And Eddie looks completely appalled that Buck could think anything but that. “I just can’t tell you this, I’m sorry.” Eddie’s eyes are begging him to understand and as much as Buck wants to demand answers, he decides to let it go. If Eddie needs time then he’ll give him time, or he’ll try his best at least. 

“Okay,” Buck says. “Okay. Well, if there’s ever a time that you do want to _actually_ talk about it, just know I’m here.” He moves his hand to cup Eddie’s non-bruised cheek. “I’m always here, okay?” 

“You’re so good to me.” The words are said a little sadly and Buck tilts his head, not really understanding. “You deserve better than this.” He gestures down weakly. 

“Hey, hey, no.” Eddie is everything to Buck. He’s his entire world in a way that’s really scary and intoxicating in the best kind of way. He can’t let him think for a second that he’s anything less to Buck. “You are _so good_ to me; _for_ me. You’re everything to me, Eddie. I just wish you would take better care of yourself, because I do worry about you, because I care about you so much and I would actually lose my mind if something ever happened to you.” The words fall from his mouth like a lifelong secret. They all feel so good to say that he can’t stop. “So, please, the next time you decide to go out and do whatever it is that you’re doing, try to remember that you’re hurting me just as much as you’re hurting yourself.” 

Eddie stares at him in complete shock, eyes watering as he thinks about what to say. Buck’s almost about to retract the entire thing when Eddie leans forward and presses their foreheads together. Buck’s hand is still on his face so everything feels a thousand times more intimate. 

“You mean everything to me, Evan.” 

He says the words so softly, so genuinely, and his lips are _right there_, nearly pressed against Buck’s. Buck can feel him everywhere despite the fact that there’s still space between them. 

It’s quiet, the only thing he can hear is Eddie’s breathing and the ticking of the clock on the wall. 

He doesn’t think. He doesn’t hesitate. He doesn’t stop to think about how he’s going to ruin everything for them. 

He leans forward, slowly, and waits for Eddie to move away, but his eyes are closed. Buck wonders if he can feel him move, because if he does then he shows absolutely no indication of it. 

It’s only half a second, but it feels like an eternity before their lips finally press together. 

Buck kisses him like he’s a piece of porcelain. He’s wary of the cut going down Eddie’s lip, but pecks at it gently. Eddie stays completely still as their lips mold into each other’s perfectly and then... he kisses back. 

It feels like everything and nothing all at once. There aren't any fireworks going off. Buck doesn’t have some kind of mind blowing revelation. He kisses Eddie and it’s like everything falls into place. A calming sensation washes over him as all the uneasy feelings he’d been having just moments before disappear. 

He kisses Eddie and he knows he’s meant to do this for the rest of his life. He doesn’t believe in soulmates and fate, but he can’t help but feel like the universe aligned perfectly so that he and Eddie would end up here. Together. 

And then Eddie pulls away; well, _reels_ away is more like it. His eyes are wide and crazed. 

Fuck. Fuck! Why the hell had he done that? He’s such an idiot. He’s just ruined everything. But… hadn’t Eddie kissed him back? He thought that he did, but maybe that was just his mind playing tricks on him. 

“Are you still drunk?” Is the first thing out of Eddie’s mouth and he feels like he could cry. Of course he kisses the love of his life and it gets turned into some kind of joke, because that's the only logical explanation behind it. _Hadn’t Eddie kissed him back? _

And he’s not drunk. Not anymore. He’s completely sober after that kiss, but Eddie is giving him an out. He’s giving him a chance to save their friendship. Buck wants to scream. He wants to grab him again and ask him why he can’t love him, what he needs to do to be good enough. He wants to shout at the sky and ask why the universe would bring Eddie into his life if he was never going to love him the way Buck loves him. He wants to yell at himself for being the biggest idiot alive. 

He gets up from the chair without saying anything and walks to his room. Eddie yells out after him, but he ignores him completely. 

He also ignores when Eddie knocks on his door, saying that they need to talk about what just happened. 

He ignores the tears that slide down his cheeks when he hears Eddie’s footsteps tread away. 

After all, he’s just drunk.

.

.

.

He can’t ignore Eddie the next morning, no matter how badly he wants to. The other man is waiting up in the living room as soon as Buck walks out. 

Buck sees him and all he can think about is the kiss. He can still feel the way Eddie’s lips had pressed against his; remembers how Eddie had felt like he was everywhere. A part of Buck wants to run up to him and kiss him again, but the rational part of him just stands there unmoving. 

“Buck,” Eddie says, “can we talk about last night?” 

Buck considers walking out of the room and running away, but what will that solve here? 

“I was drunk,” he says robotically. “I didn’t mean it. I guess I was just in the moment or something.” Eddie frowns and Buck rushes out with the rest of his stupid lie. “I don’t have feelings for you or anything so don’t worry about that.” 

Eddie just looks at him for the longest time and Buck worries that it’s not enough. Eddie is going to kick him out right now and speed along the process of Buck leaving. 

“Oh,” his best friend says instead. “I don’t worry about that, Buck. It’s fine.” 

Silence again. For the first time in their entire friendship, there’s an awkwardness between them that neither of them know how to fix. 

So Buck clears his throat and tries his best. 

“You hungry or anything? I can make us something to eat.” 

Eddie shakes his head and stands up abruptly. 

“That’s okay,” he says, looking anywhere but at Buck. “I’m actually meeting someone for breakfast. I’ll see you later, okay?” 

Buck gulps and nods, trying not to show just how _not_ okay that actually is. 

“Yeah, of course. See you later.” 

He turns around and walks to the fridge, keeping his back to Eddie the entire time. When the front door opens and closes and the sound of the truck leaving the driveway fades away, he slumps forward against the cool metal of the fridge and lets out a sigh. 

Can they even come back from this? No doubt he’s probably made Eddie incredibly uncomfortable and no matter how much he lies and says he didn’t mean it, it won’t sound like the truth to either of them. 

What’s he supposed to do now? How does he even begin to fix any of this? 

He doesn’t have the answers to those questions when he’s sitting on the couch at the firehouse a few hours later. They’ve just gotten back from a call, a bad one. Buck can still hear the wife screaming as her husband’s lifeless body had been retrieved from their burning house. 

To see someone crumble and completely fall apart like that… he’s still shaking and he closes his eyes to try and get the memory out of his mind, but he can’t. 

“You okay?” He opens up his eyes to see Hen take a seat next to him. She looks as rattled as he does, but she still offers him a smile. “It’s okay to not be, you know.” 

“I know, I know. I guess things have just been kind of shitty lately and then today just got to me a lot worse than it usually would have.” He looks down at his hands and clenches them into fists, as if that will somehow make everything better. “I’ll be okay though.” 

“I know you will, but that’s not really what I was talking about.” He looks at her in confusion and she clarifies herself. “I mean, you’ve been a little off for a while now. I can't help but notice that things between you and Eddie still seem a little strained. Is everything okay at home?” 

This all feels like the worst case of deja vu and the lie is sitting on his tongue, ready to be used. He’s ready to tell her the same thing he tells everyone else, the same thing he’s already told her, the same thing he tells himself constantly, but he can’t. Hen is looking at him with such concern in her eyes, and these past few weeks have been really shitty, and he’s tired of holding everything in. 

“I kissed Eddie,” he whispers and looks around to make sure that no one had heard. “Yesterday. Last night, actually.” 

Hen’s eyebrows raise in surprise as she nods in amazement. “Wow. Okay. How did he take it?” 

“He asked if I was drunk.” Buck laughs humorlessly. “He looked at me like I was insane and asked me if I was drunk.” 

“Oh… Buck, I’m sorry. Are you sure he meant it that way?” 

Buck nods. “It was just a stupid mistake.” 

“Was it?” 

“What?”

“Was it a mistake?” She asks again. Buck looks at her in panic and she can tell he’s about five seconds from bolting, because she reaches out to place a hand on his knee. “Look, if I’m wrong then I’m wrong and I’m sorry, but Buck, if you do have feelings for Eddie, if last night wasn’t a mistake, then you need to tell him that.” 

“No, I don’t. Last night _has_ to be a mistake, okay? It has to be, because if I admit that it wasn’t, then that means I’m admitting that I care about him in a more than friendly way. It means that I’m ruining our friendship.” His voice breaks and he clamps it shut in order to stop working himself up. 

“How do you know that? How do you know that Eddie doesn’t feel the same way?” 

Buck laughs a little hysterically. “Are you kidding me? Eddie doesn’t like guys!” 

“Okay, but literally five minutes ago, I wasn’t aware that you like guys either.” She gives him a pointed look. “What the hell, Buck?”

He sighs. “I don’t know. I guess I just never brought it up because it never seemed to… come up? Since I’ve known you guys, I’ve only ever dated girls and there was never a guy that I actually had feelings for that I felt I should broadcast to everyone.” 

“Until now,” Hen clarifies. 

“Until now. And I can’t even say anything about it.” 

She hums in thought. “You know, when I was sixteen years old, I realized that I had feelings for my best friend. Everyday I thought about what it would be like if I finally told her that I liked her, that I thought about us going on dates and kissing and doing everything that we already did just with a different meaning.” 

“Did you ever tell her?” 

“No, I didn’t. And a little part of me has always regretted that. We’re not friends anymore and I haven’t spoken to her in over a decade, but I can’t help but wonder what if, ya know? She’s my _What If_ and I’m okay with that, because I moved on and I found someone else that I love with my entire heart and soul. I’m completely happy and so, even though I do wonder ‘what if’, I don’t sit around and ponder constantly.” 

“But you would,” she says matter of factly. “You would regret it, you would sit around and wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of your life. Eddie is the love of _your_ life, just like Karen is mine. You love him in a way that I didn’t love my best friend at age sixteen. I could move on, but I’m not sure you would. Sure, maybe you find someone great later on in life and you’re content and everything is great, but you’ll never be fully happy. You’ll constantly think about him, miss him, even wish it _was_ him with you, because you’ll never have the closure that you need.” 

She smiles at him sadly. “You deserve closure, Buck, and I don’t think this will go as badly as you’re thinking. Trust me.” 

There’s something about the way she says the last part, like she knows something he doesn’t. He thinks about questioning her, but then realizes she’s probably just trying to get him to listen to her. 

“Maddie told me almost the exact same thing,” he says with a laugh. 

“Maddie’s a smart girl.” 

“You know what? I think you two might be onto something here.” 

“Of course we are.” 

The two of them laugh and Buck gives her a genuine smile. 

“Thank you. You don’t know how much that conversation meant to me.”

“I think I have a little idea,” she says. “But you don’t need to thank me. It’s what friends are for.” She stands up and squeezes his shoulder once. “And don’t worry so much, okay? You and Eddie are going to be fine. I know it.” 

She turns and leaves him alone, but for the first time in a while, he smiles as his thoughts overtake his mind again. 

He can’t help but think that Hen might be right here. Him and Eddie will be okay. He just needs to get his answers first. Any answer, good or bad, will be better than him sitting around and constantly wondering. 

He picks up his phone and his finger hovers over Eddie’s contact name, but before he can call him, the alarm goes off and he’s back to work. 

.

.

.

Eddie doesn’t come home that night. Buck tries to be okay with that. He tries to stay active and busy with Christopher, who doesn’t question Buck at all when he tells him that his dad is busy at work despite the fact that it’s his off day. The two of them do Christopher’s homework together and then Chris helps Buck make dinner. They even watch a little bit of a Disney movie before Chris is tucked away in bed. 

But Buck can’t sleep. It’s past midnight and he hasn’t heard from Eddie all night. He’s called him and texted him, but he’s heard nothing back yet. He tries not to worry, tries to tell himself that it’s completely normal for Eddie to go out and not tell Buck about it, because honestly it kind of is these days. Maybe he’s out with a girl just like Buck had wanted him to be. It doesn’t matter. Really it doesn’t. Eddie is a grown man and Buck doesn’t need to worry about him constantly. 

Except that he does because he’s in love with him and apparently that makes all the difference in the world. 

He’s failing miserably at trying to sleep when his phone finally starts going off. He reaches for it in the dark and answers it without even checking the caller ID. 

“Hello?” He answers a little out of breath. “Eddie?” 

“Is this Evan Buckley?” A woman answers instead and his heart nearly stops. 

“Yes. Who’s this?” 

“Mr. Buckley, hello. I’m Doctor Addams and I’m calling from Los Angeles General. You’re listed as an emergency contact for an Eddie Diaz, who was brought in a little while ago.” 

This time his heart does stop. The air around him feels suffocating. He sits up and tries to breathe, tries to remember how, but he can’t. Eddie. He’d been here cursing him and wondering what the hell he was doing, mad at him for once again making him worry, when it turns out he’d been hurt. An ugly and dark feeling curls itself around his heart and squeezes tighter and tighter until finally it bursts and he gasps as he finally breathes again. 

“Is he okay?” He closes his eyes and tries not to cry already, but he needs Eddie to be okay. If something happened to him, if he lost him… No. No, he refuses to even think like that. He can’t. 

“He’s stable. He came in with a concussion, several broken ribs, a wrist fracture, and an elbow contusion.” 

Buck inhales sharply. What the fuck was Eddie doing that could cause something like this? 

“Thank you for calling me. I’ll be right there,” Buck says before hanging up. 

He gets up out of bed and rushes to put on his clothes and shoes, but just as he’s about to make for his keys, he remembers that Christopher is sleeping soundly in his own room. Fuck, he can’t leave him alone but he also doesn’t want him to see his dad like this. It sounds like Eddie’s in real bad shape and seeing him like that could really upset Christopher. 

He could call Carla, and she’d probably want him to call her, but it’s pretty late and he’ll feel bad waking her up. 

He decides to call Maddie. He knows that she’s off tomorrow and she has a habit of staying up late to binge watch cheesy Hallmark movies. 

Sure enough, after two rings, she answers and she sounds wide awake. 

“Buck? What’s up?” 

“Hey, could you please come over here and stay with Christopher? He’s fast asleep but I just got a call from the hospital that Eddie’s there and I really need to go.” 

Maddie gasps. “Is he okay?” 

“I don’t know.” Because he doesn’t. The doctor had said that he was stable, but the injuries had sounded horrible. He’s scared of what he’ll find. 

“Well, I’ll be right there.” 

“Okay, thanks.” 

He spends the next fifteen minutes pacing the house and checking his phone every three seconds. He doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, maybe more bad news. It never comes. 

When Maddie’s soft knock finally gets him out of his panicked state, he nearly runs to the door to let her in. She’s still in her pajamas and she looks worried. 

“Okay, um, Christopher should stay asleep and I’ll be back in the morning to get him ready for school.” He’s shaking and his voice is way too wobbly to be anything normal and the worry on Maddie’s face turns to concern for him. 

“Are you sure you can drive yourself? You don’t look too good.” 

“I’m fine, I’m okay. If something happens, call me, okay? I’ll try to be back as soon as I can.” 

“I can take Christopher to school in the morning if you need me to, Buck. It’s not a problem at all.” 

He looks at her in relief. “Really? Thank you so much, Maddie.” 

“Of course. Just let me know how it goes.” She pushes him a little. “Now, go!” 

He nods before doing just that. 

The ride to the hospital had been filled with a deafening silence. He doesn’t know how, or what, to feel. Should he be mad? Concerned? Sad? Maybe he’s all of them, but he doesn’t know which one to focus on, so he tries not to focus on any of them. 

He’s completely emotionless as he walks through the hospital doors. He’s even emotionless as he says Eddie’s name to the lovely nurse at the front desk. He’s emotionless until he walks into room 224 and sees Eddie laying in the bed. 

He’s awake and staring out of the window to the left of him. He looks horrible, worse than any of the times that he had when he’d been coming home late from the “boxing gym”. 

Buck chokes out a sob and Eddie’s head turns. 

“Buck,” he says, voice low and scratchy, “you’re here.” Buck doesn’t say anything back. He just stares at him with tears in his eyes. “Look, I know it looks bad, but I promise it’s not—.” 

“It’s not as bad as it seems?” Buck finishes. “That’s what you were going to say, right?” 

“It’s the truth.” 

“No. You know what the truth is? The truth is that I had to lie to Christopher tonight. I had to tell him his dad was working late when the truth was that I didn’t know where the hell his dad was! The truth is that I spent all day worried about you and trying to get in contact with you. The truth is I couldn’t sleep tonight because my mind was so busy worrying about what could have possibly happened to you. The truth is that I have asked you again and _again_ what you’re really doing when you get home late, and you continually lie to me.” His voice breaks and he hates how weak he sounds right now, but he’s tired and he’s scared and he’s so sick of being worried over Eddie Diaz. “The truth is I wish I wasn’t your emergency contact, because I would have rather done anything else tonight than get a call that you were in the hospital.” 

“Nobody said you had to come.” 

“Of course I came!” Buck yells, loud and angry. His voice echoes off the walls. “I came because that’s what I do! I sit here and I watch you hurt yourself and I have to act like it’s not _killing_ me. And then I put you back together again like the good friend I am.” He shakes his head. “But I won’t watch this anymore.” 

He walks over to Eddie’s bed and sits down on the rolling chair next to it. He takes Eddie’s hand into his own and holds it gently enough that it won’t hurt him. Eddie looks down at their hands and then up at Buck. 

“Tell me where you were tonight,” Buck begs. “Tell me where you’ve really been going and I’ll help you get out of that place. I’ll stay here with you and I’ll take care of you and then we can go home together. We’ll work on everything and we’ll get through it, because I’ll help you.” The tears finally fall over, but he doesn’t wipe them away. He lets them fall, because Eddie’s crying too and Buck’s too stunned to do anything. 

He’s never really seen Eddie cry before. He always holds his feelings in. The closest he’s ever seen to tears on Eddie has been when his eyes get a little glassy. He _doesn’t_ cry. 

Buck knows right then and there what’s coming next. 

“What happens if I don’t tell you?” He whispers the question brokenly, like it hurts him to even ask. 

“I can’t watch this anymore,” Buck admits. “I _won’t_. I care about you, Eddie, but I can’t watch you hurt yourself without a care in the world. So _please_ tell me the truth and let me help you.” He’d get on his knees and beg if it meant that Eddie would be honest with him. 

After what feels like a lifetime of silence, Eddie shakes his head slowly. “I can’t, Buck. I’m sorry.” 

Something in him breaks. Maybe it’s the fact that Eddie’s just let him know that he’d choose lying over trying to save their friendship. Maybe it’s the fact that Buck knows this is something they can’t really come back from. Maybe it’s the fact that he knows he’s going to walk away from the only person he’s ever loved this much. 

Eddie looks devastated, but all Buck feels is numb as he pulls his hand off of Eddie’s. The other man reaches out and tries to capture it again, but by that time Buck is already out of his chair and taking a step back. 

“Buck,” Eddie says, voice nearly pleading. “Don’t leave.” 

“I won’t, just tell me the truth.” Eddie stays quiet and Buck nods in acceptance. “I’ll have Carla come see you tomorrow. She can get you to your house.” 

Eddie looks at him in confusion. “To my house? Don’t you mean—?” Realization dawns over his face. “No. _No_! You can’t move out, Buck! You can’t just leave!” Eddie’s starting to get worked up and Buck cries as he takes another step backwards. He needs to get out of here now. 

“I won’t watch you kill yourself,” he says. “I’m sorry, Eddie, but I’m done trying to get you to let me in.” 

“Buck, please!” 

He just turns around and opens the door. 

“Buck, I’m serious! Just stay and we can talk about this.” 

But Buck doesn’t stay. He walks out of the door and ignores Eddie’s shouting and tries to ignore the way his chest feels like it’s on fire. 

He fails at both. 

.

.

.

He hasn’t talked to Eddie in over a week. 

He’s on medical leave from his injuries, so Buck doesn’t have to worry about running into him at work. He’d also moved all of his stuff out Eddie’s place and into Maddie’s before Eddie had been released from the hospital. 

It hadn’t been the way he wanted to do things. He wanted time to get Christopher used to the idea, time to get him to even warm up to it and to be okay with the idea of Buck leaving. 

Instead he’d gotten nothing but a whole lot of confusion and negotiating. 

Christopher hadn’t wanted him to leave, that much was obvious, but after a while he had seemed okay, as long as he could still see Buck whenever he wanted to. Even if Eddie and Buck weren’t on good terms right now, Eddie would never keep Christopher away from him. 

He’s heard from Maddie that Chimney told her that Eddie’s doing better. He’s still pretty banged up and it’s hard for him to really do much of anything, but overall he’s good. 

Buck’s glad that he’s doing okay. He’s also glad that Maddie gives him all this information because she knows that he won’t ask. 

It’s not like he plans on ignoring Eddie forever, because he doesn’t. He just needs some time. He can’t get the picture of Eddie laying in that hospital bed out of his head, and every time he thinks about it, he thinks about how much worse it could have been. 

He doesn’t understand why Eddie couldn’t just tell him the truth. What could possibly be _that_ bad? 

Walking out of that hospital room had been the hardest thing he’d ever had to do, but witnessing Eddie choose to lie over Buck? That was a feeling he would never get over. 

“Hey,” Maddie greets as she walks into the kitchen. “You’re up early.” 

“Couldn’t sleep, I guess. I made some coffee for you.” 

“You’re a lifesaver,” she says with a smile. “How are you feeling today?” 

He just shrugs. There’s no use lying to Maddie. “Yeah. I guess I’m just waiting to stop feeling like this.” 

“It won’t happen after a week. It'll take time.” She purses her lips in thought. “Are you sure you’re not missing something here, Buck? I just… I have a hard time believing that Eddie would be okay with this. There has to be something else there.” 

“Like what? It doesn’t matter, Maddie. It gets worse and worse every time he comes home. At first it was just a bruise or two but last week… he could have died. I can’t watch that. I don’t want to watch that.” 

“And he still hasn’t said what happened?” 

Buck shakes his head. “But then again I haven’t had the time to ask him, so…” His sentence drags off. They both know what he really means. He’s still way too hurt and way too nervous to approach Eddie without Christopher as a median. He wouldn’t even know what to say. 

“Well, I’m sure everything will work out in the end.” 

He nods, but he doesn’t know how true that is anymore. He doesn’t know if he’s fucked up here or if Eddie has. Maybe they both did. Maybe neither of them did. Either way though, it feels like maybe something’s happened here that can’t be undone. 

He pushes that thought to the farthest part of his mind and forces himself to believe Maddie’s words instead. 

.

.

.

It’s Saturday when he gets the call at two in the morning. He’s asleep on Maddie’s couch, the TV is still playing the title screen of some romcom, one of the only DVDs Maddie actually owns. 

At first he thinks it’s the obnoxiously upbeat song thats woken him up, so he fumbles around for the remote and turns it off, but the noise doesn’t stop. It takes his brain a few seconds to realize that his phone is ringing from somewhere on the floor. 

Instead of rushing to reach the phone, a feeling of dread comes over him and leaves him frozen to his seat. 

A call this late is never a good thing. A call this late means something terrible has happened. It means that you better soak in this one last moment of peacefulness and normality, because your life is about to change. 

He considers letting it just ring, but he knows he can’t. So he leans down and prepare himself, but he’s shocked when he sees Eddie’s contact name and picture lighting up his screen. The picture, despite everything, makes him smile for a moment. 

It’s one that a random, kind stranger took of him, Eddie, and Christopher. They’re at a pumpkin patch and Christopher is sitting on top of a really big pumpkin, laughing at the camera. Buck and Eddie are on opposite sides of him, but you can see their arms resting on each other’s waists. They’re grinning and Buck remembers that Eddie had said some stupid joke right before the camera had went off. That had been a good day. He wishes, more than anything, that they could all go back to that day. 

“Eddie?” But they can’t. 

There’s silence for a moment and he thinks that maybe he’s been buttdialed, but then he hears Eddie’s shaky breathing. 

“Buck? You there?” 

His words are slightly slurred and immediately, Buck is on edge. 

“Are you drunk? Eddie, you’re not supposed to be drinking.” 

“‘M fine,” he says. “But I did something dumb.” 

Now he’s getting scared. “Where are you? Tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.” He’s already looking for wherever he threw his shoes on the floor. 

“I can’t.” 

“Eddie, I swear to God, you either tell me where you are or I’m calling Athena and I’ll have _her_ find you.” 

Silence. Buck waits. 

“I did something dumb,” Eddie says again but he sounds lost this time. “And now I don’t know how to stop. I don’t… I don’t know how to quit. I tried, Buck, I swear I tried, but it makes me feel _good_.” 

Cold fear. That’s what Buck feels. He feels paralyzed to the spot. Is Eddie talking about drugs here? There’s no fucking way. There’s no way he would do that. But what else could he be talking about? None of this makes any sense. 

“I’m so angry,” Eddie continues. “I’m angry with myself, with _you_. It’s the only way I know how to stop feeling angry.” 

Buck’s confusion grows and he’s about to start demanding things, when he hears a loud roar come from the other side of the line. It's cheering like nothing he’s ever heard before. It’s not the happy kind, the congratulatory kind. It’s raw and vicious. It’s the kind that sounds almost crazed and wrong, like when you watch people cheer for the villain in a movie. 

Buck furrows his eyebrows and then gasps when he finally puts it all together. The bruises. The late nights. How badly he’d been beaten up at the hospital. The refusal to admit where he was. The sound of the cheering. 

“You’re fighting,” he says quietly. “Street fighting. That’s where Lena took you, isn’t it?” 

“I don’t know how to stop.” 

“Please tell me where you are, Eddie. I’ll pick you up and we can talk about it, okay? Just… _please_.” 

He’s surprised when Eddie rattles off the address after a few seconds. He’d been expecting more resistance, but he’s not complaining. He tells Eddie to stay here he is and not to do anything stupid until he gets there. He’s not sure if he’ll listen to him at all, but he’s hoping that he will. 

Just to be safe, he speeds. 

.

.

.

It’s like nothing he’s ever seen before. There are cars and people everywhere. Most of them are drunk, some of them look lost and confused. He walks by people who look like they’re seconds away from passing out and people who are shouting and hitting their chests like animals. There are fires in trash cans all over the place. Broken beer bottles litter the floor. It’s so loud that he can barely hear his own thoughts. It’s complete chaos. It’s the complete opposite of everything he’s ever associated with Eddie.

Still though, he walks through the crowd because this is the address he was given. He doesn’t know where exactly to find Eddie so he just walks around aimlessly and takes in the atmosphere. Apparently he’s too into it, because he bumps right into someone tall and strong.

“Oh,” he exclaims. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” He looks up and falters a little. The guy in front of him is shirtless, dripping with sweat onto his very defined abs. He’s smiling down at Buck with what could possibly be the whitest smile ever, and his green eyes are practically shining. “You look a little lost. First time here?” 

“I guess you could say that. I’m looking for my friend.” 

“What’s his name?” 

“Eddie. Eddie Diaz.” 

The man shakes his head. “Nah, never heard of him. Do you need any help finding him?” He reaches out and places his hand into Buck’s shoulder, causing Buck to jump a little. “I’m more than happy to.” 

“He doesn’t need your help.” 

Buck and the guy both turn around to see Eddie standing behind them. He looks furious and drunk and slightly crazed. Buck immediately pulls away from the random guy’s grip so that he can walk up to Eddie. 

“You okay?” He asks as he reaches out to grab Eddie’s hands on instinct as he looks the other man over. He seems to be in good shape, or at least how he usually looks, so Buck knows he hasn’t fought tonight. Thank God. 

“I’m fine.” Eddie doesn’t pull his hands out of Buck’s, but he’s also not really looking at him. He’s starting at the stranger behind Buck. “You good? You wanna stay here? Seems like you’re making friends.” 

Buck turns around and the stranger is looking at him in amusement. 

“Sorry, man,” he says as he holds his hands up in mock surrender. “I didn’t know you have a boyfriend.” 

“Oh, he’s not—.” 

“Well, he does!” Eddie snaps. “And we’re leaving now.” 

Buck doesn’t move though. He’s rooted to the spot as he looks at Eddie, completely bewildered. What the hell? Did he really just say that? Buck knows it was probably just to get the guy to back off, but there are a million butterflies in his stomach right now that are telling him differently. 

“Evan! Let’s go.” This time, when Eddie pulls on his hand, Buck follows him obediently. 

Eddie’s like a man on a mission as he guides Buck through the crowd. It’s just getting wilder and wilder and he wants to get out of here already. Is this really where Eddie has been spending his nights? Who would choose something like this? 

They don’t say a word until they get into Buck’s car and even then they both stay quiet until he actually pulls out and leaves the parking lot. 

“Did you fight?” He asks Eddie, even though he already knows the answer. He doesn’t sound upset or anything, he just sounds tired. 

“No.” 

“But you wanted to?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” 

The silence is longer this time. 

“I don’t know how else to let go of all this anger in me. It’s the one thing that makes me feel like I can actually control it, or even just do something with it.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

Eddie turns and raises an eyebrow. “Okay? That’s all you’re going to say?” 

“I don’t know what else you want me to say here. I’m glad you called me, but I know tonight won’t be the last time you go there. Maybe next time I don’t get a call from you, and I already told you that I won’t watch you hurt yourself anymore.” Eddie doesn’t say anything. Hs just lays his head against the window. “You’re not supposed to be drinking right now either. I mean, do you even care about yourself, man?” 

“I only had a few drinks, it’s not a big deal, Buck. I don’t want a lecture right now.” 

“Alright, okay.” 

He wants to push for more, but he doesn’t. None of his questions ever get an answer and there’s only so many times that he can let himself get disappointed. It’s way too late in the night for this anyway. He supposes that if he has any questions, the morning is a better time to ask them; or to even just talk in general. 

Apparently Eddie does not have the same idea. 

“Funny how this is what it took to get you to talk to me, huh?” 

Buck looks at him from the corner of his eye. “What do you mean?” 

“I mean you’ve been ignoring me. You only talk to me when it’s about seeing Christopher and when you come to pick him up, you can hardly look at me.” Buck gulps. He hadn’t been purposely ignoring Eddie, or maybe he had, he doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know what to do or say and all these stupid feelings that he has for him are bound to show the closer they get, and he can’t have that. 

What’s the point though? Obviously the alternative isn’t working out so well for them either. 

“Eddie—.” 

“You just left, man. I got home from the hospital and you were gone. I thought maybe we could talk and try to work everything out, but you were just gone.” 

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I—.” 

“And you didn’t even care.” It feels like Eddie is talking to himself more than to Buck and Buck doesn’t know what to do here. “You didn’t call or text. Nothing. If it weren’t for tonight, I probably wouldn’t have heard from you for a while. And you know what? I should really be used to this because it’s the exact same thing Shannon did to me.” 

Buck actually jerks the steering wheel at the words. He turns his head so quickly to look at Eddie that he thinks he’s just given himself whiplash. Eddie’s still looking out of the window though, but he has this sad, lost look on his face and Buck curses to himself before pulling the car over on the side of the road. Eddie looks at him in surprise as he puts the car in park, unbuckles his seatbelt, and turns to face him. 

“I wasn’t trying to leave you, Eddie. I told you, I _told_ you, I didn’t want to watch you hurt yourself anymore. I can’t… would you want to see me like that all the time? And know that there wasn’t anything you could do, because I wouldn’t tell you what was really going on?” 

“Why couldn’t you just accept that there were things I couldn’t tell you yet?” 

“Because whatever those things were, they were the reason you were fighting and I wanted to help you. I wanted to understand.” 

Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. “And how did that work out in the end?” 

“Well—.” 

“You wanna know the _really_ funny part?” Eddie asks in a way that lets Buck know absolutely nothing he says will be funny. “When Shannon left me, I kind of expected it, you know? Like sure, I was hurt and everything, but this little part of me wasn’t surprised at all. Maybe in the back of my mind I always felt like she would. And so it hurt, but not as badly as it should have.” He looks right at Buck as he says the next words. “But you? I didn’t think you’d actually leave. Maybe that was stupid on my part, maybe I saw things that weren’t there, but I felt like if I had nothing, at least I would have you and Christopher. And then you left and… it hurt. It hurt more than Shannon. It hurt so much and all I wanted to do was make it stop hurting. I wanted to take all of that hurt and put it somewhere else.” 

Buck’s looking at him like he’s never seen him before. Nothing that he’s saying is making sense to him. There’s no way him leaving hurt more than when Shannon did. 

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I am. I didn’t think about how you’d really feel and I’m _sorry_.” 

“Why’d you have to kiss me?” Eddie asks, voice raising a little. “Huh? Why did you have to do that?” 

Buck’s face heats up in shame and he wants to cry now. He knew he had ruined everything the moment he kissed Eddie, but to hear the other man actually say something like that? It feels like his heart is about to burst out of his chest and leave him for dead. 

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly and covers his face with his hand. “I wish I could take it back, Eddie.” 

“Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it?” Buck looks at him in confusion. “I can’t stop thinking about that fucking kiss and about how I wish you would do it again, but it was the biggest mistake of your life.” Eddie shakes his head like he’s exasperated. “You never should have kissed me, Buck. You shouldn’t have done that to me, because now everything hurts so much more.” 

Buck is hardly ever rendered speechless. He’s pretty good at adapting to situations rather quickly. He always has a comeback for something. He always knows what to say or do, even if those things might not necessarily be the best. But he’s completely floored right now. 

He’s staring at Eddie with his mouth dropped open in shock. There’s a part of his brain that wants to tell him to stop; that he obviously heard this wrong and he needs to just _stop_. But he knows he heard right. Eddie wanted him to kiss him, _wants_ him to kiss him. What the hell is he supposed to do with that information? 

“But… you asked me if I was drunk.” 

Eddie looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Yeah. I wanted to make sure you weren’t doing something just because of the alcohol. I wanted to make sure that you were doing it because you wanted to.” 

“I— I thought you were disgusted with me; that you wanted me to be drunk so that I could have an excuse that wasn’t me having feelings for you.” 

“What?” Eddie nearly yells out. “Buck, that makes literally no fucking sense whatsoever. I don’t even—. Wait, feelings? You have feelings for me?” 

For some reason, Buck erupts into laughter. Eddie’s looking at him like he’s lost his mind, but this is the lightest he’s felt in weeks. 

“Feelings? You make it sound like we’re in middle school.” He leans over the console and slowly raises his hand to cup Eddie’s face. He waits to see if the other man will stop him, but instead Eddie just leans into the touch. “I’m in love with you, Eddie. I have _all_ the feelings for you.” 

Eddie blinks twice and then he smiles, so big that it’s almost scary. It’s beautiful. 

“You idiot,” he whispers. “Why didn’t you say something?” 

“I didn’t know you liked guys!” 

“Well, I didn’t know you did either.” 

“But you went on dates with that girl. Rachel.” 

Eddie shakes his head. “I went on one date with her and ended up telling her that I couldn’t have anything with her because I was in love with my best friend. She understood.” 

Suddenly that night makes a lot more sense. 

“So… wait. Why were you fighting? I don’t—. You still haven’t answered that.” 

This time it’s Eddie who looks ashamed. 

“I was angry at myself for not being able to tell you the truth. I was angry at our situation, at the way that time never seemed to be on our side. I was just so angry. It was stupid, though. I know that.” 

“At least you know.” 

“Yeah, the concussion and broken ribs kind of sealed that for me.” 

Buck laughs. “This is the worst case of miscommunication ever.” 

“It really is,” Eddie says with a smile then he frowns. “You moved out.” 

“Yes.” 

“Come back.” 

Buck bites at his bottom lip. “I don’t know. Are you sure that’s a good idea?” 

Eddie lunges forward and presses their lips together instead of answering. Buck gasps a little into the kiss, momentarily caught off guard, but then he’s kissing back just as passionately. 

This time he does feel the fireworks going off. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears and it’s like every single part of his body is on fire. He’s kissing Eddie and it feels like he has all the answers to the unsolved questions of the world. He’s kissing Eddie and he _knows_ that the universe and the stars aligned for them to always end up right here; together. He’s kissing Eddie and he feels like he’s home. 

“Come home,” Eddie whispers against his lips when he pulls away. “You belong there with me and Christopher. Come home and we’ll fix everything this time. Together.” 

“What if this doesn’t work out?” 

Now it’s Eddie’s turn to laugh softly. “I love you, Evan Buckley. More than I’ve ever loved anyone else in my entire life. Even before all of this, I knew that I wanted you with me always, but now? Now I need you with me.” 

“You sound pretty sure this will all work out.” 

“Of course I am.” He reaches out and takes ahold of Buck’s hand, wrapping it in between his own. “You’re it, Evan. I knew that from the moment you started being an asshole to me when I first met you.” 

Buck laughs and shakes his head. “God, you’re so cheesy. There’s no way you’ve always been this cheesy.” 

“I’ve been watching Hallmark movies with Carla to ease my broken heart.” The two of them laugh at that. “Come home with me?” 

His answer is unwavering. 

“Yes.” 

.

.

.

“I hate all of you.” 

Hen and Maddie cackle at Buck’s face. In the weeks following his and Eddie’s little reunion, he’s learned that both Hen _and_ his sister had known about Eddie’s actual feelings, but they were both sworn to secrecy by Eddie, or in Maddie’s case Buck, not to say anything to the other. It was why they had been so damn pushy, which honestly makes so much sense when he looks back at it. 

“Dude, I was trying to be as obvious as I could without giving it away.” 

“Well, apparently you guys did a really good job!” He scowls at Hen’s words. “Did everyone know?” 

“Yup,” Bobby says from his seat, causing everyone to laugh while Buck hides his hands in his face. 

“Don’t be so upset!” Athena tells him. “It all worked out in the end, didn't it?” 

He doesn’t need to answer that. He looks behind him where Eddie and Christopher are playing with Karen and Denny in the grass of the park. They’re laughing as Eddie picks up Christopher and whirls him around and the purest form of love settles itself in Buck’s heart. 

Eddie looks up and catches his eye and grins as he waves at him. 

They’re happy; they’re so damn happy. They’re a family, officially now. Christopher had asked them one night if it’s possible to have two dads. Eddie had assured him that it was, and ever since then, there are moments where Christopher will call Buck ‘dad’ instead of his name. He still does call him ‘Buck’, more often than not, but it doesn’t matter to Buck what he calls him. He loves Christopher and he loves Eddie and the three of them are finally where they all belong; together. And God, if it doesn’t feel amazing to say that as much as he can. 

He and Eddie have talked about the street fighting and the hospital visit and everything in between. Eddie doesn’t have all that anger that he did before, but Buck knows now that Eddie will always come to him first no matter what, because that’s what partners do. 

Without really thinking, his hand slips into the pocket of his jeans where a little black box rests. He takes it with him everywhere, because he’s always been kind of spontaneous and well, you never know when the perfect moment will arise. 

He doesn’t need to answer Athena’s question, but he does anyway. 

“Yeah,” he says with a smile, feeling completely happy and free. “It did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, please let me know what you think of this. ❤️ 
> 
> and if you wanna send me a little prompt or something for these two, come tell me on tumblr @ joaquin-desantos :)

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you like this first part! 
> 
> i honestly love writing for these two so like, if you ever wanna see a certain prompt or something, feel free to send me one on tumblr @ joaquin-desantos :') 
> 
> the next chapter should be up by tomorrow or monday. <3


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